Casual Temple

TRANSCRIPT

(Transcript is auto-generated; errors are unintentional.)

00:00:04 Merrily

Welcome to Casual Temple podcast, and I'm your host, Merrily Duffy.

00:00:08 Merrily

At casual temple, our mission is to discover a connection to the unseen world of spirit, and how that empowers us to know our true selves, when to support our journey, subscribe and leave a star review on your favorite podcast platform.

00:00:20 Merrily

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00:00:24 Merrily

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00:00:27 Merrily

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00:00:31 Merrily

Join us on the casual temple, where the past is present.

00:00:36 Merrily

Welcome to the casual temple

00:00:37 Merrily

Today we have the lovely and multi talented Michelle de Bellin as our.

00:00:43 Merrily

Today, Michelle is a Filipina American, an artist tarot reader, spiritual guidance coach and a passionate spiritual seeker.

00:00:52 Merrily

Our discussion today is going to be a subject near and dear to me.

00:00:55 Merrily

Toxic spirituality.

00:00:59 Merrily

So Michelle, it's so great to have you on casual temple.

00:01:04 Michelle

Air.

00:01:05 Michelle

Air horn effect.

00:01:07 Merrily

Yes.

00:01:08 Merrily

Oh my gosh, yes, I'm so glad to have.

00:01:11 Michelle

Good to have you here.

00:01:13 Michelle

I'm so happy.

00:01:14 Michelle

Be.

00:01:14 Michelle

It's been like a whole.

00:01:17 Michelle

I literally made you wait a whole year worth it.

00:01:17

Yes.

00:01:20 Michelle

I'm sorry about that.

00:01:25 Merrily

Happy, happy to wait.

00:01:27 Merrily

Yeah, you've been so.

00:01:28 Merrily

I know you've been going through a lot and This is why we're gonna have this discussion today.

00:01:34 Merrily

But yeah, change.

00:01:35 Merrily

Change is hard. Spiritual change is hard.

00:01:40 Merrily

But.

00:01:42 Merrily

Yeah, I reached out to you because I I just kind of want to give a little background for the guest center or the guest, the audience.

00:01:48 Merrily

Yeah. Reach out to you because I was like, oh, there's somebody who's kind of doing, you know, magic and sort of like maybe in a indigenous Filipino way, or at least, you know, trying to discover how to do that for themselves.

00:02:00 Merrily

And that was what was really interesting to you.

00:02:02 Merrily

And so that's when we originally started chat and then, you know, as we were kind of communicating over the time over the year, as you were like.

00:02:09 Merrily

Figuring out.

00:02:11 Merrily

You know.

00:02:12 Merrily

We were going to talk about exactly. You kind of were going through these changes and so that's what we're going to talk about today.

00:02:19 Merrily

Yeah, I'm so glad that, you know, you stayed connected and and that we stay connected and.

00:02:25 Merrily

Yeah, 'cause, it's such a fascinating journey.

00:02:28 Michelle

Yeah, and I told myself, you know what, lunar New Year.

00:02:34 Michelle

Arias, new moon? I feel like this is the perfect time to talk about everything. We're gonna talk about.

00:02:40

Into.

00:02:40 Michelle

Just how this journey has been like for me because I feel like this journey. I've also spoken with like other Filipino Americans and Filipinos online, just like through my community about what they've gone through.

00:02:54 Michelle

And.

00:02:56 Michelle

Oh man, I just.

00:02:57 Michelle

I know that there's probably more than just mere the other.

00:03:02 Michelle

People, persons I've spoken to about their spiritual path and what they've gone through.

00:03:09 Michelle

And.

00:03:11 Michelle

Yeah, there's definitely a lot of twists and turns on this journey, but I've taken and I felt like I needed to take that year off from doing readings from even. I felt like I needed to just take.

00:03:26 Michelle

Going to hermit mode and I was like so afraid of being seen or perceived within this past year, so I've taken.

00:03:32 Michelle

In that drain, like heal, so much of that.

00:03:35 Speaker 3

Yeah. Wow.

00:03:37 Merrily

Yeah. So I'm so glad that you did that for yourself because it.

00:03:40 Merrily

Yeah, I'm a big hermit just anyway, so I'm hermit. But, but yeah, I'm glad that you took that time for yourself.

00:03:47 Merrily

Really wonderful.

00:03:48 Merrily

So can you kind of I guess will you start or wherever you consider the beginning?

00:03:54 Merrily

And just kind of tell us your story and let's kind of go from there.

00:03:58 Michelle

A lot of the beginning man, I feel like.

00:04:03 Michelle

There is so much of our beginnings.

00:04:05 Michelle

Start with our ancestors, of course.

00:04:08 Merrily

Mm.

00:04:09 Michelle

And I feel like, you know, growing up, you hear all of the stories of, like, the MUTO or the white lady.

00:04:16 Michelle

So for a very young age where we get instilled with all this fear from, like all these mass magical mythical creatures and everything so flood from a very young age, there's all this like.

00:04:22

Like.

00:04:29 Michelle

Fantastical thinking and whether we have like parents who support that or not, or even grandparents and and how their beliefs affect us, I feel like that was the very beginning because I would grow up hearing like all these stories from my grandpa. And so that just made me.

00:04:45 Michelle

Huh.

00:04:46 Michelle

What if there is some truth to?

00:04:48 Michelle

He's saying right now, right?

00:04:50 Michelle

So it's like you're a kid and then you go off and do your own little experiments.

00:04:54 Michelle

I'm gonna make.

00:04:56 Michelle

I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna.

00:04:58 Michelle

And when as you get older, you start to think like, huh?

00:05:00 Michelle

All these like little synchronicities that keep happening.

00:05:03 Michelle

I wonder there must be something to like how I interact with the world.

00:05:09 Michelle

Because I.

00:05:10 Michelle

Like you know, there's that whole meme that's there's that meme that goes around that.

00:05:15 Michelle

Or where we think like, oh, I remember the year, the day or the time where when I started to develop consciousness.

00:05:22 Michelle

Or conscious I remember like.

00:05:25 Michelle

I was, at least I was like, I remember just being younger than 10 and just looking at.

00:05:28 Michelle

Hands like this like.

00:05:31 Michelle

Just like jamming my.

00:05:33 Michelle

Yeah. So I think that's like the very essence of us being aware of our own soul. I think that is the beginning of our spiritual path.

00:05:45 Michelle

I think that was probably the beginning of mine.

00:05:48 Michelle

That existential crisis at five years old that you have.

00:05:56 Michelle

Like why am I getting so scared of all these weird dreams that I'm having and and being in this body?

00:06:04 Michelle

Does it mean to be in this body? I feel like an alien.

00:06:07 Merrily

Mm.

00:06:08 Michelle

And so we go through so much of like I think just being Filipino American like be like.

00:06:16 Michelle

I know there's a whole conversation between like first and 2nd generation.

00:06:22 Michelle

Even though I'm technically second generation, it feels like it very much feels like I'm like a one to 1.5 generation just because like, I went back and forth from the Philippines so much so often going up.

00:06:35

Hmm.

00:06:36 Michelle

And I was I grew up in a really very, like tight knit Filipino American community.

00:06:41 Michelle

A small, small community within rural.

00:06:45 Michelle

Middle of Nowhere, Texas, where people would literally look at me like I was an alien.

00:06:51

Right.

00:06:54 Michelle

Part of that beginning of this mutual journey was.

00:06:57 Michelle

You had to love God. You had to love Jesus in order to be accepted within a community.

00:06:59

Hey.

00:07:04 Michelle

So I have this feeling of being one very much one with like God and God's CRE.

00:07:12 Michelle

Remember I talked about it with, like, my little my cousin all the time, whenever we were little, she would like start kicking this tree.

00:07:18 Michelle

I was like.

00:07:19 Michelle

Stop kicking that.

00:07:21 Michelle

That's one of God's creations.

00:07:23 Michelle

Yeah, I think just very like, I felt like I lived in this very in tune, just very in tune way. And I think part of that is a lot.

00:07:34 Michelle

That.

00:07:36 Michelle

Trauma of being very aware that, oh, I don't look like everybody else.

00:07:42 Michelle

And so.

00:07:44 Michelle

Those are the very beginnings. So I think if I didn't have all of those.

00:07:50 Michelle

Beginnings. I wouldn't have had my spiritual puberty as what we call it.

00:07:55

In.

00:07:55 Michelle

My 20s.

00:07:57 Michelle

In my teens, my 20s, my teens.

00:08:00 Michelle

So you know you end up starting picking up Silver Raven Wolf, Tina. Which books?

00:08:05 Merrily

Great. That's right.

00:08:08 Michelle

Price.

00:08:09 Michelle

That's right, 16. And your mom's like, what are you reading?

00:08:14 Michelle

You know, I grew up in Catholic youth group in.

00:08:19 Michelle

Middle School High School and I think it was in high school when I started to.

00:08:25 Michelle

Question a lot of Catholicism and I started to question why.

00:08:29 Merrily

Previews.

00:08:33 Michelle

Things were the way they were, and so I started picking up different books on.

00:08:39 Michelle

He knows, like, picked up a copy of the Quran. I picked up a copy of the Torah and and all these different books to try to figure out what the meaning was.

00:08:51 Merrily

Mm.

00:08:52 Michelle

And.

00:08:54 Michelle

I think whatever I felt like I had a lot of.

00:08:59 Michelle

Weird things happening to me all at.

00:09:03 Michelle

I think that's catapulted my journey. I had a lot of near death type things happening to me where I felt like there's something here that's going on that's not right.

00:09:13 Michelle

Is trying to get my.

00:09:15 Michelle

There's something more here I need to start digging deeper.

00:09:18 Michelle

I don't.

00:09:19 Michelle

And I was like.

00:09:20 Michelle

What is a which initiation? Am I going through?

00:09:22 Michelle

Which initiation right?

00:09:24 Michelle

Is that what this is?

00:09:27 Michelle

I really feel like we go.

00:09:29 Michelle

There's a whole different other conversation with that. Whenever it comes to like folk witchery and like.

00:09:37 Michelle

Initiation in that context.

00:09:39 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:09:40 Michelle

And then like ATR and things like that. But I felt like life was.

00:09:46 Michelle

Or the OR death was trying to initiate me in some sort of way to get me to understand.

00:09:53 Michelle

And I started to see a lot of it was just starting college.

00:10:02 Michelle

A lot of different visions of.

00:10:06 Michelle

Things and I started to get very scared.

00:10:09 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:10:11 Michelle

To where I was like mom, I think there's something going on.

00:10:13 Michelle

Don't know if I'm going crazy.

00:10:14 Speaker 3

Right.

00:10:14 Michelle

I'm starting to see something.

00:10:18 Merrily

Mm.

00:10:18 Michelle

I don't know about.

00:10:20 Michelle

And so she calls her sister and she goes, hey, I think Mom's she. She says Michelle's starting to sound a lot like our dad.

00:10:32 Michelle

And I'm like, what do you?

00:10:33 Michelle

Do you mean?

00:10:34 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:10:35

And so.

00:10:39 Michelle

Yeah.

00:10:43 Michelle

But what I think she meant was, Oh my, my grandpa was well known as the but on guide like the village healer, the mom.

00:10:52 Michelle

None.

00:10:53 Michelle

And I was starting to have a lot of these same kind of like fantastical visions and things that he started to have.

00:11:02 Michelle

But a lot of the times, like whenever he he got too much in the spiritual, it became ungrounded at times to where it kind of scared my family.

00:11:11 Speaker 3

Right he was.

00:11:12 Michelle

Afraid that I was getting into this territory that was becoming ungrounded and that kind of scared me.

00:11:16 Merrily

Mm.

00:11:18 Michelle

Because I was in that situation where it's like, OK, where is the line between like reality and the paranormal?

00:11:26 Michelle

A lot of paranormal things started.

00:11:29 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:11:29 Michelle

And I I'm like I know I'm not crazy because I'm questioning myself like, quote UN quote, crazy person wouldn't question they were.

00:11:40 Michelle

Yeah. So those are the very beginnings as to how.

00:11:48 Michelle

I started on this path and it felt like anytime I would stray away from it, it felt like it kept following me.

00:11:53 Michelle

Was always in the corner of my mind like.

00:11:57 Michelle

Any time I would try to follow the path.

00:12:00 Michelle

The mundane.

00:12:03 Michelle

I would.

00:12:05 Michelle

I was even in college.

00:12:07 Michelle

I was giving readings more than I was doing my homework. I was.

00:12:11 Merrily

Right. I felt natural, yeah.

00:12:14 Michelle

Studying astrology more than I should have been reading for class.

00:12:20 Merrily

It's more interesting.

00:12:22 Michelle

Even in how?

00:12:24 Michelle

Of Filipinos started, I was giving readings more than I was looking for.

00:12:32 Michelle

Auditions in LA in 2020 and that's whenever someone said, hey, you know what, you should start charging more and.

00:12:40 Michelle

And.

00:12:43 Michelle

Whenever other clients keep telling you like this is the same stuff, me and my therapist discuss and you're better than my therapist that hates.

00:12:52 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:12:53 Michelle

Hits you, I said.

00:12:54 Michelle

I don't want to be causing harm to people, but if people are regarding me this highly, I feel like I should.

00:13:04 Michelle

Do my due diligence and learn how to protect myself and protect others because I don't want to get into a place of getting into my own ego.

00:13:12 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:13:13 Michelle

And.

00:13:15 Michelle

Doing things out of a place of making myself feel better.

00:13:18 Michelle

Yeah. In order to get like as I'm giving people.

00:13:22 Michelle

So that's why I've taken so many breaks along this way is make sure I'm continually checking myself and checking my energy.

00:13:32 Michelle

And so those are those are all the little things in the way. But yeah, like 2020 was a huge time that started all of all of this.

00:13:42 Speaker 3

Mm.

00:13:45 Michelle

Really catapulted everything.

00:13:49 Speaker 3

Yeah. Oh my gosh.

00:13:50 Merrily

Oh man, there's like 5 things I want.

00:13:52 Speaker 3

To like touch.

00:13:54 Merrily

On because you run up 2020 like people have listened to this podcast, I brought up 2020 was I called it the magical Mystery Tour or Jason and I.

00:14:03 Merrily

My husband called the magical Mystery tour because, like, things blew up in 2020 on a mystical everything sense for us.

00:14:10 Michelle

So it's the six.

00:14:12 Michelle

Yes, in a way like I tuned in and I turned up TuneIn, drop out. Whatever.

00:14:17 Merrily

Yes, that's 100%.

00:14:18 Michelle

I I just dropped out in a way like I thought I was.

00:14:23 Michelle

Was on this path.

00:14:24 Merrily

I was.

00:14:25 Michelle

Had my agent was an actor and I was like, why am I doing this?

00:14:31 Michelle

I don't wanna play this game.

00:14:31 Merrily

Mm.

00:14:33 Michelle

I don't wanna have to compromise my morals and my values and I don't wanna have to keep schmoozing.

00:14:41 Michelle

I don't like this.

00:14:44 Merrily

Cannot.

00:14:46 Merrily

Oh, gosh yeah. One of the things when you're talking is something I'm looking into as well because.

00:14:54 Merrily

You know you talked about.

00:14:56 Merrily

You know, looking at all the different sort of spiritual paths like Buddhism or, you know, the different paths that you listed.

00:15:05 Merrily

And I was like, why is it you?

00:15:07 Merrily

And we've talked a few times before and every time we talk, I'm like, Oh my gosh. Like, this is this, is this like just lines up?

00:15:15 Merrily

But there is something about.

00:15:18 Merrily

Filipinos, being very syncretic in their spirituality, which means like we've taken on like a lot of different things, we're kind of like that sounds good. It kind of lines up with what we're doing over here.

00:15:31 Merrily

Take.

00:15:31 Merrily

You know, it's kind of what we do.

00:15:35 Merrily

I'm reading all these books about like the like ancient Filipino religions and like different.

00:15:42 Merrily

And it's like, yeah, they base. That's why Catholicism Catholicism was able to take a hold because they were like, yeah, that kind of already looks like what we're already doing here. So.

00:15:51 Michelle

Yes.

00:15:51 Merrily

That's.

00:15:52 Merrily

Yeah, like, boom, it'll it works.

00:15:55 Merrily

So I just think that there's and I'm.

00:15:58 Merrily

To figure.

00:15:58 Merrily

Out trying to put it together.

00:16:01 Merrily

There is something there that is, that's really.

00:16:04 Merrily

I think it seems kind of to probably a Western linear time kind of.

00:16:10 Merrily

It's, it seems a little like all over the place, but I think there's something really good.

00:16:14 Merrily

In in that mindset of the Filipino indigenous thinking of spirituality that.

00:16:20 Merrily

Really like.

00:16:21 Michelle

Even with my my recent Filipino mentor.

00:16:26 Michelle

That's I feel like he captures so much of.

00:16:33 Michelle

Just the inherent Filipino like oneness, so open.

00:16:39

Just.

00:16:39 Michelle

So incredibly open like.

00:16:40

Mm.

00:16:44 Michelle

'Cause, my Western mind is saying, well, if you look at the Philippines on a map, you'll see how it's surrounded by all these different countries.

00:16:50 Michelle

It makes sense how?

00:16:53 Michelle

Way before the Spanish came in, there were all these. There was all this different trade going on with.

00:17:03 Michelle

Like with with the Indian religion and with those 'cause, there's also like Islam.

00:17:11 Michelle

Tied into a lot like I think like the southern part.

00:17:19 Michelle

My brain is farting right now.

00:17:22 Merrily

It's a lot to think about.

00:17:24 Michelle

Because we have, like we even have new year.

00:17:27 Michelle

I I grew up hearing Goku like I grew up hearing like Happy Chinese New Year growing up.

00:17:33 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:17:33 Michelle

I'm like, wait.

00:17:34 Michelle

Reach and then they still look like as being in that little section of the like in in the in the in the Philippines like being that country and having so much influence.

00:17:43 Michelle

Like sometimes I start to forget, like in being in America, I start to.

00:17:46 Michelle

Like wait.

00:17:48 Michelle

Like I feel like some Filipino Americans.

00:17:50 Michelle

Like, wait, are we Chinese?

00:17:52 Michelle

What is this?

00:17:52 Michelle

I mean there are like Filipino, Chinese.

00:17:55 Michelle

But we're just surrounded by so much and we are just this wonderful mix of so many.

00:18:02 Michelle

I think maybe that's the reason why in my past life decided to be reincarnated into.

00:18:10 Michelle

A Filipino soul because we just have so much of like.

00:18:17 Michelle

Everything.

00:18:18 Speaker 3

Mm.

00:18:19 Michelle

That oneness of that animism, that animism was like, OK, well, this this works like.

00:18:24 Michelle

Why not?

00:18:25 Speaker 3

Yeah, why not.

00:18:26 Michelle

It's it's very fluid.

00:18:29 Michelle

There's so much fluidity within.

00:18:32 Michelle

And so much respect to the elements. And I think whenever those elements are disrespected, yes, there's such this. And it was it was Doctor was professor, Doctor Don.

00:18:45

Oh my gosh.

00:18:46 Michelle

Forgive me for being with pronouncing her name because.

00:18:51 Michelle

Mambalam.

00:18:52 Michelle

Mabelon Don Mabalo she my she's very well known with in the.

00:19:01 Michelle

Historical like documenting Filipino American history.

00:19:05

Hmm.

00:19:06 Michelle

California she. She's written so much great stuff.

00:19:09 Michelle

That was.

00:19:10 Michelle

It's how she described it. My friend was taught telling me about a class that she had lectured, and she mentioned. I'm gonna butcher this 'cause, she explained it so much, so much more.

00:19:22 Michelle

So much better than I can right now.

00:19:24 Michelle

About how.

00:19:26 Michelle

All the supernatural like the the paranormal, supernatural occurrences, these creatures that come out these strong and thick along it and chamak whatever all of the all of these monsters.

00:19:41 Michelle

Is the land fighting back?

00:19:44 Michelle

And still remember.

00:19:45 Michelle

Remember who we are.

00:19:48 Michelle

That's cool.

00:19:53 Merrily

I really like thinking about that.

00:19:53

Skip.

00:19:56 Michelle

It's like.

00:19:57 Michelle

And then and then I was thinking about like from a trauma base perspective, I'm like, why would fear and guilt being used?

00:20:00 Merrily

Right.

00:20:02 Merrily

I know I don't. Yeah.

00:20:04 Michelle

Not being used, but why is like gear guilt and fear such like an emotion that's like ingrained within our culture to get us to do things to get us, move to get us to remember?

00:20:21 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:20:23 Merrily

Maybe figure out different different emotion to capitalize on I suppose.

00:20:30

But.

00:20:33 Merrily

Gosh, for sure. Oh, my.

00:20:35 Merrily

Yeah, that could be for many days of talking about that.

00:20:42 Merrily

And yeah, there's another thing.

00:20:43 Merrily

That when you're talking, it doesn't sound exactly like this, but I just read Darren Mason.

00:20:51 Merrily

Irish.

00:20:52 Merrily

He's a photographer, but he also hosts a really great podcast.

00:20:55 Merrily

Should check it out.

00:20:56 Merrily

It's the spirit box.

00:20:58 Merrily

But he wrote a book recently called the Song of The Dark.

00:21:02 Merrily

It was about something I have never I had never experienced, but apparently this happens to a lot of people.

00:21:09 Merrily

Across different.

00:21:12 Merrily

Different, you know, ethnicities or whatever.

00:21:15 Merrily

But mainly it's this experience of this figure of the dark Man kind of freaks you out. Maybe even causes some near death experience situations to happen.

00:21:28 Merrily

Shake you up.

00:21:29 Merrily

To kind of get you to wake up out of like your mundane.

00:21:34 Merrily

And a lot of times that path sets you on a path of at least indirecting at it and talking to quite a few people have the experience that sets you on a path on witchcraft on becoming a witch.

00:21:48 Merrily

And you know, really working strongly with the Darkman and all of that, whatever that entails.

00:21:55 Merrily

So yeah, so I thought it when you were talking.

00:21:58 Merrily

Was like it kind of sounds.

00:22:01 Merrily

Like a very.

00:22:02 Merrily

Initiatory.

00:22:04 Merrily

Maybe not necessarily like the Darkman, but definitely some sort of initiatory process you were going through in your 20s.

00:22:13 Michelle

Definitely, definitely. It was, I swear during that time I was seeing the hat.

00:22:19 Michelle

I'm like, who is this?

00:22:19 Merrily

That's that man.

00:22:20 Michelle

Having been cooking Nyquil or anything, I was in my little dorm room.

00:22:22

I was.

00:22:24 Michelle

Oh God.

00:22:25 Michelle

I just kept feeling this like.

00:22:28 Michelle

I was just talking about this with somebody today.

00:22:31 Michelle

Asking someone 'cause, he stated my same room when I was married.

00:22:34 Michelle

Was like, don't even.

00:22:34 Michelle

And we're not. The new American goes. No, no.

00:22:38 Michelle

And I said, well, someone did pass away there.

00:22:40 Michelle

Yeah, yeah. I never found anything.

00:22:43 Michelle

But I was seeing like Santa Muerte, like she was coming to.

00:22:48 Michelle

I had accidentally opened up a portal and another thing I've always wanted to say to young witches is never open up a silver Raven wolf book because because the teen witch book.

00:23:01 Michelle

Because she teaches you.

00:23:03 Michelle

How to open circles but she does.

00:23:06 Michelle

Like Raymond Buckland in that book of witchcraft he says do not do XYZ because this will happen.

00:23:12 Michelle

Doesn't have any of those disclaimers in her book.

00:23:15 Michelle

No tangent right now.

00:23:18 Merrily

OK, no agree it. Yeah.

00:23:19 Michelle

In the podcast, like anyone who's listening to this.

00:23:22 Michelle

Heed my.

00:23:23 Michelle

I've been wanting to make.

00:23:24

Yes.

00:23:24 Michelle

Tock videos about this for all the young people out there and this is how I had to learn the hard way.

00:23:30 Michelle

I had like accidentally I had followed her instructions.

00:23:35 Michelle

You're not supposed to break the circle.

00:23:37 Michelle

Never break the circle.

00:23:39 Merrily

Oh.

00:23:39 Michelle

You not ever, ever, ever. You know what happens to you? Do you know what happen?

00:23:46 Michelle

No, do not learn. Do not learn from my mist.

00:23:49 Michelle

Learn from my mistakes.

00:23:51 Michelle

Not.

00:23:53 Michelle

I had opened things I didn't know how to.

00:23:57 Michelle

There was some weak within the spiritual fabric of time and space.

00:24:02 Michelle

Are starting to come through.

00:24:04 Michelle

I would keep cleansing things.

00:24:06 Michelle

Things weren't going back to where they were supposed to. I was.

00:24:11 Michelle

Was walking through portals like.

00:24:13 Michelle

It felt like every day, every time.

00:24:14 Michelle

Would walk through a pathway like.

00:24:17 Michelle

It would felt like a magnet going through my head and like Raymond Buckland, he explains that in his book he explains it to the tea.

00:24:19 Speaker 3

Oh yeah.

00:24:26 Michelle

Just have so much beef towards it. If Silver Raven, Wolf of year.

00:24:29 Michelle

Listening to this right now.

00:24:31 Michelle

I need some compensation.

00:24:36 Michelle

For that time in my life, it was.

00:24:38 Michelle

Was for.

00:24:39 Michelle

It was for weeks left.

00:24:43 Michelle

But that was.

00:24:43 Michelle

I think that was the pivotal time I was.

00:24:45 Michelle

I was thinking I was making. Oh ****, what I'm doing is.

00:24:49 Michelle

Like witchcraft, **** is real.

00:24:49

Yeah.

00:24:51

It's.

00:24:52 Speaker 3

Oh yeah.

00:24:54 Michelle

Like I experienced creating a huge magnetic force like it was like I had stepped out of the circle and it felt like my body was going through like a magnet of some kind.

00:25:05 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:25:05 Michelle

And then you coming in, it felt like it felt like my crown was just like fizzly and, like, not completely there.

00:25:13 Speaker 3

Mm.

00:25:15

Oh yeah.

00:25:17

Yeah.

00:25:19 Michelle

So I just did not know how.

00:25:20 Michelle

Protect myself.

00:25:21 Merrily

Oh my gosh. So is it so, to be fair, I only know a silver Raven wolf.

00:25:27 Merrily

Tangentially, I know who he is.

00:25:29 Merrily

I've never read her books.

00:25:31 Merrily

So is it that she taught you how to open portals, but not how to close them?

00:25:36 Merrily

She does.

00:25:36 Michelle

She taught you how to open and close, like how to open a circle and how to close a circle, but she never.

00:25:43 Michelle

Good morning.

00:25:45 Michelle

Do not.

00:25:49 Michelle

Because I think she probably made or wrote that book for people who probably didn't have any power or didn't know what they were reading.

00:25:58 Speaker 3

Oh.

00:25:59 Michelle

Because I feel like if probably.

00:26:00 Michelle

You do have some kind of inherent power.

00:26:03 Michelle

In you.

00:26:05 Michelle

I think maybe if I didn't have anything within me or maybe if I didn't call upon anything, I don't maybe like I wouldn't have experienced that.

00:26:14 Michelle

But.

00:26:18 Michelle

Yeah, yeah. There just weren't the only disclaimers in that book were don't drink or do drugs. Kids don't cheat on tests like stuff like that.

00:26:27 Merrily

Oh gosh.

00:26:30 Merrily

It's definitely not.

00:26:32 Michelle

I'm. I'm here a little 1920 year old.

00:26:37 Merrily

Mm.

00:26:38 Michelle

It's like college dorm room something.

00:26:41 Michelle

Knows.

00:26:43 Merrily

So do you feel like the disclaimer should have been?

00:26:47 Merrily

It sounds like you know, because you're so sensitive that you were just sensing all of that energy coming through now.

00:26:55 Merrily

Somebody who isn't as sensitive or aware.

00:26:57 Merrily

They would just be like whatever.

00:26:59 Merrily

Like I opened and closed the.

00:27:00 Merrily

No big deal and just go about their day.

00:27:03 Merrily

But you would notice those.

00:27:05 Merrily

Is that what kind of was going on?

00:27:07 Michelle

Honestly, yeah. For someone who that for the person who's the lawyer that you're Speaking of, those people aren't aligned frequently in their frequency.

00:27:12 Merrily

Mm.

00:27:16 Speaker 3

Oh yeah.

00:27:17 Michelle

Because if you were in in it, if you were in tune with the elements. Yeah, and concentrating like you, I feel like that person where I was, where there's all that emotion involved.

00:27:32

Or.

00:27:32 Michelle

In that desperation in like, oh, I need this.

00:27:36 Michelle

I want this to happen rather than someone's like, well, someone Ouija board. Then of course, like that person who's, like, 'cause. There are some people who.

00:27:46 Michelle

Called Knowles.

00:27:47 Michelle

Who, like magic, just they do not magic deactivates around them.

00:27:53 Michelle

There are people who are activators and people who are knows.

00:27:56 Michelle

Think I am very much an activator. Yeah, sounds.

00:27:59 Speaker 3

Like it? Yes.

00:28:01 Michelle

And so I think of null.

00:28:03 Michelle

Frequency isn't necessarily probably isn't going to there. Probably a lot of people in the mundane that are very much in that, like no like state and that there's.

00:28:12 Michelle

An issue with that, yeah.

00:28:14 Michelle

We need those people around.

00:28:16 Speaker 3

Yeah, they're good.

00:28:17 Merrily

They're grounded. Super grounded. Yeah, it's interesting.

00:28:23 Merrily

Yeah, every every time you say something, I'm like, oh, yeah, it makes me think.

00:28:27 Merrily

'Cause definitely in my my magical practice which start really did start in 2020.

00:28:32 Merrily

You know I.

00:28:33 Merrily

A lot of other spiritual work, many, many years before that, but as far as like actually practicing magic wasn't started in 2020 and I would go on to my.

00:28:45 Merrily

Sorry, on to my magical.

00:28:48 Merrily

Chat rooms and be like, hey guys, are you experiencing this when you're doing this?

00:28:54 Merrily

And they're like, no, not.

00:28:56 Merrily

I just do the spell and kind of walk you.

00:28:58 Merrily

I do the thing and I go about my day and I'm like, oh.

00:29:02 Merrily

OK 'cause I would.

00:29:03 Merrily

Be having like beings like in the room.

00:29:06 Merrily

That kinda stuff, right?

00:29:08 Merrily

So it's like I would feel things in the room and I would notice things communicating with me and I'm like, is anybody else?

00:29:17

Thank you.

00:29:18 Merrily

Some people would say, yeah, kind.

00:29:20 Merrily

But a lot of times it was like no, not.

00:29:22 Merrily

I don't notice anything and I was like, so yeah, I think what you're.

00:29:27 Merrily

Like it's no better or worse. It just means that you know, you just have a little.

00:29:31 Merrily

You just have access to more information that's headed like in the room.

00:29:35 Michelle

Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause, there's so many times where I'm like, oh, I wish I was just shut off. And I think after I think, yeah, after some pretty traumatic things that happened, I think.

00:29:50 Michelle

I eventually there was a a phase where I did learn how to turn it off and that was the phase where I stopped.

00:29:56 Michelle

Doing readings.

00:29:58 Speaker 3

Right. Yeah, yeah.

00:30:00 Michelle

For myself, but I needed to 'cause I remember I was seeing too much and my my mom was.

00:30:04 Michelle

Like, well, maybe it's better.

00:30:08

And I said no.

00:30:09 Speaker 3

I know.

00:30:12 Michelle

And I think like after.

00:30:13 Merrily

I cried about it like, oh, wait.

00:30:16 Merrily

Maybe she's.

00:30:18 Michelle

About it, like the things stopped happening. So I'm like.

00:30:22

Fine.

00:30:24 Michelle

That's.

00:30:24 Michelle

Like another.

00:30:26 Michelle

Yeah. Yeah, that's a that's another story.

00:30:30 Merrily

Yeah, 'cause. When you're doing readings, at least you know when I do readings it.

00:30:33 Merrily

You are like basically opening up your aura and your, you know, the other person you know they're in a permission state where all you know, giving and consent and permission to like kind of.

00:30:47 Merrily

Get into each other's auras, you know, and so in that sort of open state.

00:30:52 Merrily

Like stuff can get in there, you know.

00:30:54 Michelle

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fascinating.

00:30:56 Michelle

Yeah.

00:30:59 Michelle

Definitely.

00:31:01 Michelle

I wasn't sure if I was learning how to close things every time.

00:31:04 Speaker 3

You know.

00:31:05 Michelle

There's a lot of, like, spiritual responsibility, a lot of like spiritual hygiene type things that it's like it's it's and and just especially in the neuro divergent nature of.

00:31:18 Michelle

Being neuro diverse, it's like sometimes I don't always like do things.

00:31:21 Merrily

Right. Oh my gosh.

00:31:23 Merrily

Yeah, that's why I have the checklist.

00:31:26 Michelle

Sometimes I need to.

00:31:27 Michelle

Oh my.

00:31:27 Michelle

God corn is little, by the way. It'll be OK.

00:31:30 Michelle

Be.

00:31:31 Michelle

And then come, like Sunday morning. And I'm just like.

00:31:36 Merrily

You know, wiped out like I can't move.

00:31:41 Michelle

Can't do anything right now, can.

00:31:43 Michelle

Take a quick one minute break just to get money for my throat.

00:31:45 Merrily

Oh yeah.

00:31:47 Merrily

Oh yes, go for it. I'll grab.

00:31:50 Merrily

Right. We're back. Oh, yes, everyone.

00:31:53 Merrily

Michelle has like sinus infection.

00:31:58 Merrily

And you know lively. But you know we.

00:32:02 Michelle

The Casual Tumbled podcast is sponsored by Wild Honeybee Texas Farms.

00:32:02 Merrily

Cat.

00:32:08 Michelle

Which is why influencers have to do the hand thing.

00:32:11 Merrily

Yeah, you get it to focus.

00:32:14 Michelle

Yes, I have been fighting various infection as we have had spoken about.

00:32:19 Michelle

I don't know if this happens to anyone else just after doing clearings or after doing some spell workings.

00:32:28 Michelle

Had the pattern of getting physically, I'll.

00:32:31 Merrily

Mm.

00:32:31 Michelle

Thank you so much.

00:32:36 Michelle

But also it's like the weather changes.

00:32:36 Merrily

Yes.

00:32:38 Michelle

The weather changes in in Texas like we had, like historic snow last week and we had like that amount of snow since like 1960 something.

00:32:48 Michelle

So it's a big.

00:32:49 Michelle

Like people don't know how to.

00:32:51 Michelle

Everyone was outside and they're like we don't. We don't have sleds here, so people.

00:32:57 Michelle

Tupperware containers.

00:32:57 Merrily

Trash cans.

00:32:58 Michelle

Yeah, and it would slide down.

00:33:05 Michelle

It was so funny.

00:33:08 Merrily

I love it.

00:33:09 Merrily

We're gonna have some fun in the snow garden it.

00:33:14 Merrily

Oh gosh yeah, I.

00:33:16 Merrily

That was something where I learned too early on, I would do a lot of.

00:33:19 Merrily

Like the very first Halloween in 2020.

00:33:22 Merrily

Did so much stuff that day.

00:33:25 Michelle

I was literally laid out.

00:33:26 Merrily

No joke for like a week. I couldn't do anything.

00:33:29 Merrily

A week from just doing so much stuff on one day and then I was like, what's going on? And some folks are like, we need that stuff really drains you.

00:33:36 Merrily

Was like it does.

00:33:39 Merrily

It does like. Yeah. You gotta, like, really take.

00:33:42 Merrily

Like, do a lot of grounding, you know, like eat grounding food like potatoes or whatever to get you like back in 'cause that it'll really SAP your system. I was like oh.

00:33:55 Michelle

Right. Oh, my gosh, the nutrition and all that.

00:33:59 Merrily

Yes, the nutrition.

00:34:01

Stuff.

00:34:04 Michelle

Oh, my gosh. OK, I eat.

00:34:06 Michelle

Just getting back from a doctor's appointment today.

00:34:09

Mm.

00:34:10 Michelle

And just thinking about all those things and like I know my sinus infection thing is like I'm like.

00:34:17 Michelle

Spiritual spiritual significance of signage.

00:34:23 Michelle

And I'm like, yeah, I have been like, I tend to go from like zero to 100 too much.

00:34:28 Michelle

I know like we're in the cycle of rest of restoration.

00:34:34 Michelle

Yeah. So I've been keeping that in mind.

00:34:34

Yeah.

00:34:38

And.

00:34:38 Michelle

Right.

00:34:41 Michelle

Just there is some and even like with the can like this this spell that I was doing, I was noticing that like my candle was getting invalid.

00:34:52 Michelle

A few astrologers have also like confirmed this about like my aura and my energy, and other readers.

00:34:57 Michelle

But my aura.

00:34:58 Michelle

To soak up a lot of it's.

00:34:59 Michelle

I feel like I can, like, read the evil eye on a lot of different types of people, and I can feel like.

00:35:05 Merrily

Like a lot.

00:35:06 Michelle

Of people's insecurities and all those things. So I tend to soak up and it also sucks like working at a hospital too.

00:35:14 Speaker 3

Oh my God.

00:35:14 Michelle

It was.

00:35:16 Michelle

It was so bad, like I was in a patient's room and I started to kind of.

00:35:20 Michelle

Like, Oh my gosh, I'm getting nauseous.

00:35:22 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:35:24 Michelle

But I can like I I will tend to absorb.

00:35:26 Michelle

I will soak up like people's energy like a sponge and I'm still in that process of learning like, OK.

00:35:30 Merrily

Mm.

00:35:32 Michelle

Do I let it go?

00:35:34 Merrily

It is for.

00:35:34 Michelle

Weird and let all that go after 'cause. I'm also having to see so many patients in a day and also another thing that I didn't know that I was prepared for that I will like.

00:35:46 Michelle

I think coming from a Funeral Home prepared me for what I do now. Like hospitals see more death than the inside of a Funeral Home. I will say that.

00:35:54 Merrily

That's so true.

00:35:56 Michelle

Like.

00:35:57 Michelle

You are experiencing so much more depth like rather I was working in a funeral.

00:36:03 Michelle

You get like one to three people like a day and you're like, taking care, but you're not like seeing the trauma that happens right before.

00:36:11 Speaker 3

Right.

00:36:12

Happen.

00:36:13 Michelle

And some sometimes you see like multiple multiple people just pass constantly with them within the span of a week.

00:36:23 Michelle

And so that's like.

00:36:24 Michelle

Whole different beast that I feel like learning how to.

00:36:28 Michelle

I feel like spirit put me through that trial like working in a Funeral Home first. Like prepare me for just this high acuity type setting and they told they would teach and and I hadn't.

00:36:40 Michelle

I was a person who didn't go to mass before.

00:36:44 Michelle

Like this is a way for me to cleanse myself because I am like.

00:36:48 Michelle

In a church, the one they're see the singing, the frequency cleanses me. The incense of the incense and the holy water and the candles are.

00:36:53 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:36:56 Michelle

There. And so as I leave, I feel like I'm getting a balance of all of the elements and I just might I leave the dead spirits and the dead energy there and I come out just like refreshed.

00:37:03 Speaker 3

Mm.

00:37:11 Merrily

Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure.

00:37:14 Speaker 3

Oh.

00:37:15 Merrily

Amazing.

00:37:15 Merrily

Oh, God, yeah, there's so.

00:37:17 Merrily

I always think I've been thinking about that lately too, about hospitals.

00:37:20 Merrily

Like man, they need.

00:37:22 Merrily

I know, like not everybody does the sage right or whatever, but a lot of like energy cleansing.

00:37:29 Merrily

No joke in the hosp.

00:37:30 Merrily

Like the people that work there.

00:37:33 Merrily

Like you all, we all gotta, like clear out.

00:37:37 Michelle

So wait right.

00:37:38 Michelle

And there's so much of like.

00:37:43 Michelle

So much like researching things I wanna read about like how just so much of our culture is so rooted and healing.

00:37:49 Michelle

Like how so much of our labor force is taking care of other people. That's right.

00:37:49

Yeah.

00:37:56 Michelle

Either you're in or your caregiver or your nurse.

00:37:59 Merrily

Mm.

00:38:02 Michelle

Or your.

00:38:06 Michelle

I was gonna say your.

00:38:10 Michelle

The way I was gonna say, he looked different but.

00:38:16 Michelle

Yeah.

00:38:18 Speaker 3

Yeah. Yes.

00:38:21 Merrily

Oh gosh.

00:38:24 Speaker 3

Let's see. Did I?

00:38:24 Merrily

Oh, there we go.

00:38:26 Merrily

Can you hear me? Yes. OK.

00:38:28 Merrily

Yeah, it said it.

00:38:29 Merrily

I muted and then it said it was muted when I unmuted, so I was checking.

00:38:33 Speaker 3

On that.

00:38:34 Merrily

Oh gosh, so kind of into.

00:38:37 Merrily

So yeah, Filipino people are known for their caregiving as nurses around the world.

00:38:45 Merrily

But how does you know in your spiritual?

00:38:48 Merrily

How does being part of the Filipino diaspora has a how is that shaped? Where you've been moving on your path?

00:38:57 Michelle

Can we pause for another minute?

00:39:00 Michelle

I need to.

00:39:01 Michelle

Oh yeah, you should do that.

00:39:04 Merrily

In there, OK.

00:39:07 Merrily

Oh, so the question was yes.

00:39:11 Merrily

Refreshed.

00:39:14 Merrily

About the how has being part of the Filipino diaspora? How has that shaped your search on the spiritual path?

00:39:22 Michelle

It's becoming definitely so much more eclectic.

00:39:27 Michelle

It's a lot more generalized than specialized, and I was feeling a lot of that, like just being in a different land.

00:39:35 Michelle

From or your people are from you get in touch with.

00:39:41 Michelle

A lot of.

00:39:42 Michelle

The native energy and just being in the South in the Bayou.

00:39:48 Michelle

You get.

00:39:51 Michelle

There's so much history here, just being close to Galveston like Galveston is where where Juneteenth originated.

00:39:59 Speaker 3

It's rain.

00:40:01 Michelle

And so I am feeling I was.

00:40:03 Michelle

I was feeling the energy last night as I was like walking through different crossroads and I was like, wow, I am feeling a lot of like Southern influence like.

00:40:16 Michelle

Out of the.

00:40:19 Michelle

A lot of.

00:40:28 Michelle

My brain is trying to figure out the words right now.

00:40:30 Michelle

Hope the pauses are cut out.

00:40:32 Merrily

No, it's fine.

00:40:33 Merrily

Pauses are healthy people.

00:40:38 Merrily

That's what I think.

00:40:39 Michelle

Oh.

00:40:40 Michelle

A lot of.

00:40:42 Michelle

The culture, like a lot of southern.

00:40:45 Michelle

American black culture with it.

00:40:49 Michelle

And like my, my brain was pausing there because I'm like, Oh my gosh, there's like, so there's so many different like regions within the South.

00:40:58 Michelle

Like what are the exact parts I'm trying to pinpoint right?

00:41:01 Michelle

Because there's like the voodoo influence, like the New Orleans Voodoo influence, there's like.

00:41:07 Michelle

Lot.

00:41:07 Michelle

Eva influences there's.

00:41:11 Michelle

There's there's so much.

00:41:12 Michelle

There's so much like the karakawa influences and all those things and.

00:41:19 Michelle

Being here.

00:41:19 Michelle

It's made it like.

00:41:23 Michelle

It's it's so rich.

00:41:24 Michelle

It's so rich, but also like.

00:41:28 Michelle

If you I feel like just being in the diaspora, there's so much like looking outside of ourselves.

00:41:35 Michelle

But I also got into this space of. I felt like I was looking so much outside of myself for guidance that I forgot to look within.

00:41:45 Speaker 3

Mm.

00:41:45 Michelle

And I forgot that there's so much within my own history.

00:41:50 Michelle

That I should be looking towards, but I think part of why?

00:41:55 Michelle

I ended up learning so much about the.

00:41:58 Michelle

Here is because I have to learn what plants I'm working with, what plants are native, what what waters are native.

00:42:08 Michelle

How I need to?

00:42:10 Michelle

Learn how to interact with the land here, even though it's not my own land.

00:42:15 Michelle

And so I feel like there's a different like frequency that I feel like I have.

00:42:19 Michelle

Have to go through to get in touch with.

00:42:22 Michelle

Because as I'm not necessarily like from the sand, I'm more of like a cousin.

00:42:27 Speaker 3

Yeah, yeah.

00:42:27 Michelle

'Cause it's like this is not this is water. This is Galveston. But it's like it's not my water. It's not the Pacific.

00:42:36 Michelle

And so it's it's giving me more of like.

00:42:43 Michelle

I guess it's it's like.

00:42:44 Michelle

Like whenever you're in school and then you have to, like, take Spanish and like you learn how to speak Spanish.

00:42:49 Michelle

It's it's. It's a lot of like.

00:42:53 Michelle

And then also just being close to Mexico, I am getting one Mexican influence.

00:42:58 Michelle

I'm in here in Texas. I'm getting.

00:42:58 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:43:01 Michelle

All of this different southern richness here. There's a lot of like.

00:43:05 Merrily

Mm.

00:43:09 Michelle

A lot of like Mexican Catholic.

00:43:14 Michelle

Influence that also get here.

00:43:15 Speaker 3

Mm.

00:43:18 Michelle

And so being in the diaspora, it's, I could say I'm like the one of very few people like I could.

00:43:30 Michelle

Could be like I'm not the Philippine which.

00:43:32 Michelle

Bayou right.

00:43:35 Speaker 3

Right.

00:43:35 Michelle

I'm from.

00:43:36 Michelle

The muddy swamp, deep down South, and so there's a lot of that difference that I feel like I get.

00:43:44 Michelle

Here specifically compared to if I.

00:43:49 Michelle

Were like living in California or living in New York. I think there's.

00:43:58 Michelle

A part parts of the land I've learned how to navigate just being here.

00:44:03 Speaker 3

Yeah, but also it.

00:44:05 Michelle

Can also get kind of isolating because there's not as much community and so that's something that.

00:44:12 Michelle

Being in the diaspora has how it's shaped me.

00:44:15 Michelle

It's taught me the importance of what having like my own the importance of what having my own community like means.

00:44:23 Michelle

I wanted to initiate coming into this year was I know there are other Filipinos out here like in Houston.

00:44:29 Michelle

Yeah. And we are kind of like we looked like Filipinos like in California, New York.

00:44:35 Michelle

I'm like, oh, man, you'll have such a community there.

00:44:39 Michelle

It's so it feel it can.

00:44:40 Michelle

Very isolating here because.

00:44:43

'Cause, they're.

00:44:44 Michelle

Even though Houston is so diverse, it's like the second most diverse city in the nation. It's also the most segregated.

00:44:52

Hmm.

00:44:54 Merrily

Interesting.

00:44:57 Merrily

Yeah, that's kind of like, yeah, it's definitely kind of a lot and.

00:45:00 Merrily

Especially when you're going through.

00:45:03 Merrily

Sort of spiritual stuff, I feel like.

00:45:07 Merrily

I've been in.

00:45:08 Merrily

I'm not going to throw any.

00:45:10 Merrily

I'm going to throw a little bit of shade, but not too much shade.

00:45:13 Merrily

So my sister and I went to in August, or I'm sure you heard. You probably heard about it, but the Center for Baba Leon studies. I like the gathering.

00:45:22 Merrily

Oh yeah.

00:45:23 Merrily

To go.

00:45:24

It's.

00:45:24 Merrily

Super good like it was really fun.

00:45:26 Merrily

So the shade isn't about like that.

00:45:28 Merrily

Think it was more around.

00:45:31 Merrily

I think it's more around sort of the because it was great meeting a bunch of Filipino people like my age, right?

00:45:38 Merrily

I've only really known my mom.

00:45:40 Merrily

Her friends.

00:45:43 Merrily

But it was really cool being around Filipinos my age. But the thing was, there was sort of touches on spirituality.

00:45:51 Merrily

You know, it kind of touched it, but it didn't really go very.

00:45:55 Merrily

Deep and yeah, and my sister was like, you know, my sister is. We're both kind of very into, like, the things that are happening.

00:45:56 Speaker 3

Oh.

00:46:04 Merrily

Us.

00:46:05 Merrily

We would share like, yeah, there's like, we're having this visitations by our ancestors and people would be like.

00:46:12 Merrily

Oh, interesting.

00:46:14 Merrily

And just kind of move?

00:46:15 Merrily

So it's like again, it's that situation where it's like some people are having.

00:46:19 Merrily

Being these experiences, but some people are not.

00:46:23 Merrily

Or a lot of people.

00:46:24 Merrily

Or they're not aware they're having it. And you know what I mean? So it was like.

00:46:31

Oh, this isn't.

00:46:31 Merrily

Really, a space to talk about that.

00:46:34 Merrily

Of thing you know.

00:46:36 Michelle

That's so surprising.

00:46:37 Merrily

Yeah, isn't it?

00:46:38 Merrily

It.

00:46:39 Michelle

That makes me feel disappointed.

00:46:41 Merrily

I know well, I.

00:46:43 Merrily

Yeah, I know. My sister and I.

00:46:43 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:46:48 Merrily

No, like it was, it was.

00:46:50 Michelle

Fox 60. I'm joking. I'm joking.

00:46:56 Merrily

It was a still a really cool, wonderful experience and I'd probably go again it it just wasn't what we thought.

00:47:03 Merrily

She and I thought it was going to be.

00:47:06 Merrily

It just kind of was more.

00:47:08 Merrily

I don't even know how why that is the word, but it was like a textbook.

00:47:11 Michelle

Listen, look, I.

00:47:13 Michelle

I'm interested to know like what, how textbook, what like, what aspects did they dive into?

00:47:20 Merrily

Well, the well.

00:47:22 Merrily

The actual talks were about animism, right?

00:47:25 Merrily

And that the talks were actually the thing I loved the most was like people speaking cause lane was.

00:47:30 Merrily

Lane Wilkin to talk about Batok and you know I was like, wow, he's like I was like, yes, like what he's talking about.

00:47:38 Merrily

All about it.

00:47:38 Merrily

Whatever.

00:47:39 Merrily

But he was like one of a few, you know, couple speakers that I was like, oh, yeah, I think this person has had experiences.

00:47:49 Merrily

You know, and understand that particular piece, which is what, you know, my sister and I and you, like, are going through, like, the spiritual stuff. And you're in a in a culture where it's not talked about and.

00:48:04 Merrily

It's. You're told you're crazy or you're having a psychosis.

00:48:08 Merrily

All these things.

00:48:10 Merrily

So but you, you know you're not.

00:48:11 Merrily

Like like I know I'm not like I can live my.

00:48:14 Merrily

I have relationships. You know, it's not like everything's going to hell.

00:48:19 Merrily

Just like I know what.

00:48:20 Merrily

I know what is happening is happening.

00:48:23 Merrily

And I would love to have like a larger community to talk about that because I do feel like it is probably more prevalent than we're aware.

00:48:32 Merrily

Just we don't understand what's happening or we ignore it right until they come at you and then they just will not leave you alone.

00:48:40 Merrily

And so you have to address them.

00:48:44 Michelle

That's exactly what happened on my 21st.

00:48:49 Merrily

Yes, the ancestors come knocking.

00:48:51 Merrily

You gotta pay attention.

00:48:54 Michelle

I swear.

00:48:55 Michelle

I swear.

00:48:58 Speaker 3

Oh my gosh.

00:49:01 Michelle

But they I think.

00:49:02 Michelle

Do a good job of trying not to scare me.

00:49:04

That's good.

00:49:05 Merrily

Yeah, yeah.

00:49:06 Michelle

They try to be subtle.

00:49:09 Michelle

Be subtle.

00:49:09 Merrily

Yeah, I usually told them.

00:49:11 Merrily

Not frighten.

00:49:12 Merrily

I don't wanna see.

00:49:12 Merrily

I can't like. I literally don't wanna see you.

00:49:15 Merrily

You.

00:49:16 Merrily

You can give me messages and stuff. I cannot see you.

00:49:21 Merrily

Yeah, you funny.

00:49:25 Merrily

So kind of on that 'cause we were talking about like in our previous conversation, we did talk about sort of like the indigenous ways of being is sometimes labeled as a psychosis, right?

00:49:35 Michelle

Yes.

00:49:38 Michelle

And I think part of that.

00:49:40 Michelle

So talking to my therapist who has her PhD and is a which is out of the broom closet.

00:49:48 Michelle

Practicing Pagan, she's like.

00:49:52 Michelle

Oh my gosh, so many great things that she's talked about. And she was saying like.

00:49:58 Michelle

Magic does not replace a PhD so right?

00:50:04 Michelle

Herms that have been popularized, like spiritual psychosis.

00:50:11 Michelle

Are colonized.

00:50:13 Michelle

Why should someone be shamed for not wanting to participate within society?

00:50:21 Michelle

Why should someone be shamed for their realizations of?

00:50:28 Michelle

Not wanting to.

00:50:31 Michelle

Be West in this Westernized.

00:50:36 Michelle

Being anymore.

00:50:37 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:50:39 Michelle

And I think part of what's going on is you have a lot of these influencers talking about like, oh, the star seeds and the the 444 means this and I'm from.

00:50:52 Michelle

The constellation arc tourists and and I I always felt this weird disconnection from a lot of that, but I I also had that weird feeling of like, you know what I as a kid I I did feel this like extra terrestrial.

00:51:00

Mm.

00:51:05 Michelle

Action. Yeah, but something that I'm that she mentioned with a lot of those influencers, she said.

00:51:12 Michelle

Michelle, those influencers.

00:51:15 Michelle

That are saying all those things.

00:51:19 Michelle

All those white influencers, they do not have a spiritual culture. They are trying to create their own spiritual culture because they want to belong and because they need to attach to something.

00:51:35 Michelle

They need attention.

00:51:39 Michelle

And so a lot of them will say and do a lot of these.

00:51:45 Michelle

Things and it will get labeled.

00:51:49 Michelle

As a spiritual psychosis.

00:51:53 Michelle

Right. And I definitely need to have another session with her because she said that she she gave me permission to record our session.

00:52:03 Michelle

I definitely want to record that with her and discuss that with her.

00:52:06 Merrily

No, no, we talk.

00:52:08 Michelle

I can.

00:52:09 Michelle

Post it on my platform because she explains.

00:52:11 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:52:12 Michelle

It in such.

00:52:15 Michelle

An informed way, because she she's also in this space. Because I I've had that fear so many times.

00:52:22 Michelle

Like Doc, am I going crazy?

00:52:25 Merrily

Yes, yeah, for sure.

00:52:26 Michelle

Am I going crazy like?

00:52:27 Michelle

Did did I get possessed?

00:52:28 Michelle

Do I have?

00:52:29 Michelle

And she was like, no, no, stop diagnosing yourself. You're still in school.

00:52:36 Michelle

I have my PhD.

00:52:37 Michelle

Still getting your.

00:52:41 Michelle

You weren't possessed.

00:52:42 Michelle

She's like you weren't possessed. You were just ruined by a spirit.

00:52:47 Michelle

You know what that is like?

00:52:49

Oh.

00:52:51

OK.

00:52:54

I see.

00:52:56 Merrily

Right.

00:52:58 Michelle

And so anything that's seen as, of course, anything that's seen opposed to the mainstream, anything that's contrary to that, it's going to be seen as something psychotic.

00:53:13 Michelle

And I can see that I guess in some context that may be seen as psychosis or psychotic. Like if a person has a family life and kids and decides to, like, abandon them, then I guess that's that may be something that's like a more clinical type of discuss.

00:53:30 Michelle

That we can have.

00:53:31 Michelle

Right. But as part of like?

00:53:35 Michelle

A psychosis. That's that's that's kind of shaky territory that I feel like a professional would have to label and discuss. And I think that term of, like, spiritual psychosis just being thrown around so.

00:53:44

I.

00:53:49 Michelle

And.

00:53:50 Michelle

That's a part of the conversation of.

00:53:51 Michelle

We need to stop throwing around like autism and add around like so Willy nilly.

00:53:57 Michelle

Because now everyone's starting to.

00:53:59 Michelle

Oh, that person has spiritual psychosis or, oh, that's. But we don't. Being outside of that context of not knowing the culture. Like, we don't know, like, oh, this person is going through.

00:54:15 Michelle

Something more personal than understanding of it because someone outside of the culture is witnessing someone get rowed by a spirit. I feel like that's is definitely going to be that disconnect. Someone who is not informed in indigenous spiritual practice and is going to try to diagnose someone go.

00:54:28

Yeah.

00:54:36 Michelle

Something spiritual happen.

00:54:42 Michelle

Of course, they're not going to be culturally informed, and we also talk about this in school too.

00:54:45 Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:54:47 Michelle

The the schizotypal.

00:54:49 Michelle

Some people will die.

00:54:51 Michelle

There, that's schizotypical.

00:54:53 Michelle

Schizotypal because logical thinking and magical beliefs, and I did have a professor say like I would be very careful about diagnosing someone in this.

00:55:00 Michelle

Because I do believe.

00:55:02 Michelle

Like there are a lot of spiritual beliefs and spiritual practices in different cultures where this is like there there are.

00:55:09 Speaker 3

Shamans out there? Yeah. Who can do something so.

00:55:13 Merrily

Yeah, that's what they do.

00:55:17 Merrily

And for you, it seems like you know you're explaining how your your mom and your aunts were like, seeing what was going on with you. And they were like, oh, it seems like this is something that your grandfather was experiencing or is right.

00:55:30 Merrily

At least they could.

00:55:32 Merrily

Tie that to like you have these, like Shaman spiritual things like your grandad does.

00:55:39 Merrily

You know, at least you have that.

00:55:43 Merrily

So you know that is always a positive.

00:55:46 Speaker 3

You weren't.

00:55:46 Merrily

You know, you didn't necessarily get diagnosed out, you know, it was in your family.

00:55:52 Merrily

They.

00:55:53 Merrily

Kind of see what was going on with you.

00:55:57 Michelle

Like if it was someone else who didn't have that spiritual backing, they would have easily said, like, oh, brief psychotic disorder, right. This disorder. Yeah. But.

00:56:10 Michelle

Having to translate that I'm still. I'm also like in this point where I I guess I've been trying to do this research for the.

00:56:18 Michelle

Like.

00:56:18 Michelle

Years because there's, like, so much like in Latin American culture. Like, there's so many, like studies and papers out there about.

00:56:25 Merrily

Like.

00:56:27 Michelle

Oh, forgive my pronunciation.

00:56:33 Michelle

Currently more as a means of healing.

00:56:37 Michelle

Basically a lot.

00:56:38 Merrily

Of.

00:56:39 Michelle

Indigenous ways of being with evidence based practice and where that aligns, and how healers can be.

00:56:50 Michelle

Within the process of someone's healing, how they can aid and be helpful in like an integrated form of healing?

00:56:58 Michelle

And that's a lot of the research that we're doing this semester, I think, yeah.

00:56:58 Speaker 3

Right.

00:57:07 Merrily

Yeah.

00:57:11 Michelle

That deep side, because I'm thinking about all the paper.

00:57:16

Hey.

00:57:17 Michelle

'Cause I might do it.

00:57:18 Michelle

Yeah, I guess of my own cause of my sinus infection. I had to like, postpone a meeting that I had with my professor.

00:57:25 Speaker 3

Out.

00:57:27 Michelle

And I'm like, oh.

00:57:28 Michelle

Gosh, I guess my my sinus infection is saving me because.

00:57:31 Michelle

I have kids.

00:57:33 Michelle

Yeah, I have to present like eight articles to him. And I just, like, was in the process of getting that done. It's like.

00:57:40 Michelle

Hasn't been fully complete, right?

00:57:43 Michelle

Sorry, it's hard to find, like the research is so specific that the the the type of research that I have to find is like so specific and I kind of went down a rabbit hole of like the Asian baby girl through a Filipino American lens.

00:57:51 Merrily

Mm.

00:57:58

What?

00:58:00 Michelle

And I ended up like spending it.

00:58:01 Merrily

Because, like oh, this is so interesting.

00:58:03 Speaker 3

Oh wait, OK, wait.

00:58:05 Merrily

Hold on.

00:58:07 Merrily

Oh gosh, yeah, I love those rabbit holes.

00:58:12 Merrily

Yeah, it was.

00:58:13 Merrily

I'm sure you've read or at least know the book where the ancient healer by Virgil Mayer was still.

00:58:20

Yeah.

00:58:22 Michelle

We got to finish that book.

00:58:24 Merrily

Like I started it last year and they didn't.

00:58:27 Merrily

Anyway, I started it and for the reason I put it back down and then I picked it up literally a month ago and I read the.

00:58:32 Merrily

Thing I'm like. It's amazing, Virgil. Amazing.

00:58:37 Merrily

Well, one of the things he mentioned because you know a lot of it is about what we're talking about, like kind of indigenous spirituality in relation to the the Filipinos.

00:58:46 Merrily

Obviously there's the healing element. One of the things he said that was really fascinating, he said. A lot of times the healers in the Philippines would tell a story or sing a song before they do the healing.

00:58:57 Merrily

About another person or like a folk tale of a person receiving the healing and being healed, and then he was like, well, that sets somebody upside. You know, it's like a.

00:59:07 Merrily

It sets somebody up emotionally, mentally, spiritually that they too will be healed.

00:59:12 Merrily

Right. And so I was like, oh, that's so cool to think about. Like you tell somebody a story about somebody being healed from the ailment that they have.

00:59:21 Merrily

I could definitely at least set you up to be healed.

00:59:25 Merrily

Know what I mean?

00:59:27

I.

00:59:27 Merrily

Thought that was so.

00:59:28 Merrily

Something you said that made me think about that.

00:59:31 Merrily

That was really interesting.

00:59:36 Michelle

Oh.

00:59:37 Michelle

Well, I'm gonna close my other tabs right now because my connection kind of like did something.

00:59:43 Michelle

Paused in the middle of your sentence, where I caught the last part of your sentence.

00:59:44 Merrily

Oh, sure.

00:59:49 Michelle

So.

00:59:51 Michelle

I don't make you.

00:59:52 Michelle

And my my thing is freezing.

00:59:54 Michelle

I freezing.

00:59:54 Merrily

Oh no, I see you.

00:59:56 Michelle

OK, OK, I.

00:59:58 Michelle

I guess it's just my connection.

01:00:01 Merrily

Keep.

01:00:01 Merrily

Keep it alive. Mercury. Hermes. Keep it alive.

01:00:05 Michelle

Make me.

01:00:06 Michelle

Make me help us.

01:00:07 Merrily

But I'm happy to repeat.

01:00:08 Merrily

It was just basically, Virgil told he was talking about how the healers in the Philippines would either sing a song or tell a story before the healing to the person about another person who received.

01:00:20 Merrily

A healing and they were.

01:00:22 Merrily

So it like sets you up to, like, receive the healing, which I thought was a really cool thing.

01:00:30 Speaker 3

So that's so nice. Wow.

01:00:36 Michelle

It's almost like shifting like your brain into like that frequency.

01:00:42 Merrily

Exactly.

01:00:43

Feels.

01:00:43 Michelle

Like an artistic meditation, yeah.

01:00:46 Merrily

So I was like, that's so cool to think about. Like something to, you know, comprehend on the future of, you know, medicine.

01:00:56 Merrily

Just tell some stories and sing some songs.

01:01:01 Merrily

But yeah, OK, definitely want to get into because I know we talked about sort of, you know what was going on with you being involved with this particular spiritual group that turned toxic.

01:01:13 Merrily

So I'll let you kind of jump wherever you want into the story of that and then we can go from there.

01:01:21 Michelle

Yeah.

01:01:23 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:01:24 Michelle

And I think like.

01:01:27 Michelle

Going into that, I'm also.

01:01:31 Michelle

Trying to.

01:01:34 Michelle

Man mercury.

01:01:37 Michelle

The words I'm trying to split the words out 'cause I think I've been.

01:01:41 Michelle

I'm also like in a way.

01:01:44 Michelle

It's like the people pleasing tendencies me right now are like also wanting to give this group grace because.

01:01:52 Michelle

In my mind, I'm like, maybe maybe that intention isn't known from that organization's end.

01:02:03 Michelle

They are.

01:02:05 Michelle

Maybe they do have good intentions and maybe the negative intentions are something some things that have.

01:02:14 Michelle

Yet to be discovered on their end.

01:02:22 Michelle

Because in inherently inherently the mission, the mission field negative.

01:02:32 Michelle

And Ohio, my gosh, I want my network says it's unstable. Am I still?

01:02:39 Merrily

I can still.

01:02:39 Merrily

You hear you, but I can pause if we need to pause for a moment.

01:02:40 Michelle

OK.

01:02:43 Merrily

Wanna check your network?

01:02:44 Michelle

OK.

01:02:45 Merrily

The record we're back.

01:02:49 Michelle

OK.

01:02:50 Michelle

We are back and maybe their spirits don't want me to talk about some things.

01:03:00 Michelle

Mysterious on this new Aquarius moon.

01:03:07 Michelle

But I guess things that are done in the dark will come to light.

01:03:12 Michelle

And I was feeling like I had a lot of different suspicions about what was going on, and I decided to go.

01:03:22 Michelle

Outside.

01:03:24 Michelle

Of that community.

01:03:27 Michelle

And little things started to happen to confirm suspicions that I was having.

01:03:34 Michelle

There was a girl.

01:03:35 Michelle

Was needing help on side of the road.

01:03:40 Michelle

And I decided to go stop and help her.

01:03:44 Michelle

Some my gut just said you need.

01:03:46 Michelle

Help help her out.

01:03:48 Michelle

And I I instantly felt some kind of spiritual connection to her.

01:03:53 Michelle

And she was talking.

01:03:54 Michelle

About like her EA and her elay like and I don't.

01:03:59 Michelle

Know her 'cause we were.

01:04:00 Michelle

I just we just both felt it. And she's like, oh, I need my car.

01:04:04 Michelle

Go.

01:04:04 Michelle

Moon and I said, oh really?

01:04:07 Michelle

I said OK.

01:04:07 Michelle

Your car needs a cleansing. Like, let me get my spray out. Like I'll try to just do a little bit of cleansing on your car.

01:04:15 Michelle

And she goes, wait your spiritual.

01:04:17 Michelle

And I I go. Yeah. Yeah, like you. You mentioned your car's name is Ogun.

01:04:21 Michelle

Are you in an elite?

01:04:23 Michelle

What do you?

01:04:24 Michelle

Like who's over your head? This and that.

01:04:27 Michelle

And she said, oh, I'm with the sea lion. I was like, oh, I'm with.

01:04:30 Michelle

Elaine. She goes. Oh, I.

01:04:33 Michelle

A lot of things about about that.

01:04:35 Michelle

Heard that?

01:04:37 Michelle

So and so is manipulative, and that so and so.

01:04:43 Michelle

Is involved with like this thing and that thing and being in that house, I know that.

01:04:51 Michelle

It was sad, like, oh, people will say this and this about us, but they don't understand.

01:04:58 Michelle

But if.

01:05:01 Michelle

More and more people keep confirming weird gut feelings that I'm having, then I can't keep ignoring this gut feeling that I'm having, right?

01:05:12

And so.

01:05:14 Michelle

I try to think about.

01:05:15 Michelle

She says.

01:05:16 Michelle

And we we we kept in touch like we ended up talking and processing more the next day.

01:05:22 Michelle

I helped her get her car out of that.

01:05:24 Michelle

So she was stuck in a nice.

01:05:28 Michelle

And I end up talking to I I was.

01:05:31 Michelle

Another spiritual store in the area and they start talking about.

01:05:36 Michelle

Of these.

01:05:37 Michelle

Spiritual people.

01:05:41 Michelle

And I go.

01:05:42 Michelle

Oh my gosh. Like, what did so and so do so and so did a working on me and then.

01:05:50 Michelle

I.

01:05:51 Michelle

I don't wanna like give out real names.

01:05:53 Michelle

Let's call her.

01:05:56 Michelle

Let's call them Martin.

01:06:01 Michelle

Martin, sitting on the bench, goes.

01:06:05 Michelle

These I've spoken to multiple workers and psychics.

01:06:10 Michelle

These people have.

01:06:13 Michelle

No power.

01:06:15 Michelle

I ended up reversing the working done in the graveyard off of Danny.

01:06:24 Michelle

And Danny was the one going. Danny had never met some of these people before.

01:06:29 Michelle

Someone had this so much spiritual drama that happens in here?

01:06:35

Yeah.

01:06:36 Michelle

I like so I'm.

01:06:36 Michelle

Afraid of like the backlash, that's why it's also been like taking me a year to even come out and talk about a lot of these things.

01:06:41

Thank you.

01:06:47 Michelle

Danny talked about their experiences with feeling very ill, and a doctor had asked them if they were poisoned.

01:06:57 Michelle

Danny ended up seeking out Martins help and Martin had lift after a few sessions lifted that working off of.

01:07:05 Michelle

Danny and I said Martin, I need to talk to you about some things because I just need to get things confirmed.

01:07:15 Michelle

After an initial reading, Martin says this place to.

01:07:19 Michelle

It on you.

01:07:22 Michelle

We've done a working on you. They put a root on you.

01:07:25 Michelle

And I said really and.

01:07:28 Michelle

Martin said yes, they are just going to keep reaching out to you because they want your money and your energy.

01:07:38 Speaker 3

Mm.

01:07:41 Michelle

And I kept feeling that's how it was at the very beginning, even though I felt all this good energy there were.

01:07:49 Michelle

There was this gut feeling that I had from the initial meeting of.

01:07:57 Michelle

There's something with money here, but there's so much about that I want to learn because I want to learn how it relates within my own culture.

01:08:07 Michelle

There's so many overlaps with the Filipino deities and with a lot of African deities.

01:08:16 Michelle

And something that multiple people close to me have felt from certain spiritual practitioners in the area.

01:08:24 Michelle

They say, oh, a lot of those deities that they're working with aren't the real ones.

01:08:30 Michelle

Are working with.

01:08:32 Michelle

Other spirits that have taken over.

01:08:38 Michelle

And I kept feeling like I was recovering from some of.

01:08:43 Michelle

Uncomfortable positions that I was placed in.

01:08:54 Michelle

And there was always this atmosphere of if you feel like.

01:09:01 Michelle

There's something going like there's there's they were trying to have a system of like to resolve conflicts or anyone felt uncomfortable, things like that.

01:09:11 Michelle

I don't know if the environment.

01:09:16 Michelle

Was safe enough for me to speak up.

01:09:20

Mm.

01:09:23 Michelle

Even though there was a lot of.

01:09:27 Michelle

Emphasis placed on cultivating that safety.

01:09:32 Michelle

My best friend had mentioned a lot of times where she didn't feel safe and I was under this glamour magic where I could not see that. Hmm.

01:09:46 Michelle

And there were.

01:09:51 Michelle

And even talking to my therapist, I was wondering, like, why did these spiritual people in place try to break me and my best friend up?

01:10:01 Michelle

And she said, Michelle, that's called.

01:10:04 Michelle

They were trying to manipulate you through triangulation.

01:10:04 Speaker 3

Mm.

01:10:08 Michelle

They said it didn't make sense.

01:10:09 Michelle

Kept saying that.

01:10:11 Speaker 3

It was for.

01:10:12 Michelle

Own spiritual growth and that we were distracting each other from being in our own paths. And and I don't know why the subject of every time I would walk into the House of the the first thing would always be about my.

01:10:24 Michelle

And why?

01:10:25 Michelle

Why was I still with XY and Z?

01:10:28 Michelle

Hanging out with XY and.

01:10:29 Michelle

The emphasis was on trying to separate.

01:10:32 Michelle

From people.

01:10:33 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:10:37 Michelle

And it felt like.

01:10:40 Michelle

I kept every time I was there, I kept feeling like there was this overarching like over like there was like some kind of shadow like hovering over.

01:10:47 Merrily

Mm.

01:10:50 Michelle

Something and I kept like hearing, like feeling something in my ear but.

01:10:52 Michelle

Kept like.

01:10:54 Michelle

There was also that part of me that kept feeling like that guilt in that **** that was being like, controlled by that guilt and that shame that kept telling me I need to.

01:11:04 Michelle

Here.

01:11:06 Michelle

Like the spirits need me to stay here to do this and that, and the 3rd for them. It's like I they were servants once too. So I also have to become a spiritual servant in in this way.

01:11:21 Michelle

I kept feeling like there was something wrong because the knowledge that I would want to learn it was just given out in bread crumbs. And if you want to learn more knowledge you have to pay more money to get to this level and that level and this thing.

01:11:34 Michelle

Thing.

01:11:34 Michelle

And I understand with a lot of traditional practice there is a lot of money involved.

01:11:39 Michelle

But there was such a change whenever I spoke to my Filipino mentor and he said do not worry about your ability to pay at the end of the day, this is an energy exchange.

01:11:49 Michelle

Are non monetary things that we can figure out in order to.

01:11:53 Michelle

I don't want money to be the factor in as to why you can't learn about your own spiritual practice.

01:12:00 Michelle

Your own cultures.

01:12:04 Michelle

Practices.

01:12:08 Merrily

Mm.

01:12:12 Michelle

And so.

01:12:14 Michelle

After just feeling so.

01:12:19 Michelle

Off and isolated and after taking like my time away, I realized why is it that my finances and my own well-being? Why is it that whenever I step away from the Community, it becomes better?

01:12:32 Michelle

Have they been draining my energy in ways that I don't know have ever been working on me?

01:12:39 Michelle

I that where I I don't know that that they have been working is on me to where they've needed me to stay in some way.

01:12:49 Michelle

And so.

01:12:54 Michelle

Once I started to.

01:12:58 Michelle

Take that year off last year.

01:13:00 Michelle

Sit down, focus on myself. Focus on school.

01:13:04 Michelle

Shadow 4.0. OK, so I'm.

01:13:06 Michelle

All those internships.

01:13:08

Replay.

01:13:11 Michelle

I'm not necessarily saying like, OK.

01:13:12 Michelle

Didn't need.

01:13:14 Michelle

Maybe the relationship needs to be?

01:13:14 Speaker 3

Right.

01:13:20 Michelle

Different to where it's.

01:13:23 Michelle

Not where I'm having.

01:13:26 Michelle

To financially stress myself.

01:13:28 Michelle

Yeah. And and there were so many situations where it's like, whoa.

01:13:35 Michelle

There will be like why?

01:13:37 Michelle

Didn't you do?

01:13:38 Michelle

Or why didn't you do that?

01:13:39 Michelle

Why didn't you?

01:13:39 Michelle

About this.

01:13:40 Michelle

And then my therapist had mentioned like, well, that's victim blaming.

01:13:45 Michelle

It doesn't matter like what you do or don't do. If there's some kind of outcome that happens that's not favorable.

01:13:51 Michelle

You.

01:13:51 Michelle

Blame is going to be placed on you.

01:13:53 Merrily

They're going to.

01:13:54 Merrily

To.

01:13:55 Michelle

Take the blame off of them.

01:14:01 Michelle

And I know I haven't spoken to some people, so I know that there's some people who have left.

01:14:07

Mm.

01:14:13 Michelle

But.

01:14:18 Michelle

I just felt something weird in the back of my head. I don't know.

01:14:21 Michelle

Just felt some like airiness and I'm like.

01:14:27 Michelle

Try not to psych myself out too much right now.

01:14:29 Speaker 3

Oh.

01:14:30 Merrily

Just you know you can call your your helpful guides and angels to help protect back there.

01:14:33

Oh.

01:14:36 Merrily

Your ancestors.

01:14:41 Michelle

I know Lola is here.

01:14:43 Michelle

Hello. Yes.

01:14:44 Merrily

Take care of you.

01:14:47 Michelle

They're they're here.

01:14:50 Michelle

They are here and my favorite also has like a walk through thing with me and she's like.

01:14:55 Michelle

Be afraid.

01:14:58 Michelle

Of just don't be afraid.

01:15:00

Yeah.

01:15:02 Michelle

So I'm not going name.

01:15:03 Michelle

This could be anyone in the community.

01:15:06 Michelle

Could.

01:15:08 Michelle

This could be whoever, but just like a warning to people out there, like if there is something in your gut.

01:15:11 Merrily

Hmm.

01:15:16

S.

01:15:17 Michelle

That is telling you that something is off.

01:15:21 Michelle

Mm hmm. And listen to that. And I'm not going to completely discredit like all the good things that did come out of it.

01:15:30 Michelle

I did.

01:15:30 Michelle

I I learned a lot.

01:15:32 Michelle

I I learned a lot.

01:15:34 Michelle

This experience gave me.

01:15:40 Michelle

A lot of.

01:15:43 Michelle

Just wisdom on. Yeah, what does, what does, what does, what does a community.

01:15:51 Michelle

Right.

01:15:52 Michelle

What a.

01:15:53 Michelle

I'm not gonna say like, what is a good or bad community look like.

01:15:56 Michelle

So much Gray.

01:15:56 Michelle

Communities come community comes with conflict, yeah.

01:16:00 Michelle

But a community that's right for you personally, like what does, what does that look like? Yeah.

01:16:09 Michelle

And.

01:16:13 Michelle

I know.

01:16:16 Michelle

Even like sitting here, my people pleasing brain in the back of my mind and the insecurities telling me like, oh, probably if if anyone listen, if they listen to this, they'll probably say like well, it's because the trickster spirits like came after her because she's not a our.

01:16:32 Michelle

Or not like.

01:16:34 Michelle

There's so much of that, like going through my head right now.

01:16:37 Michelle

Oh, she did these offerings, maybe she wouldn't.

01:16:37 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:16:40 Michelle

Experiencing this because that also.

01:16:43 Michelle

Like came through and and I the point where I started to question things was I I had a reading done and I went I I I did things opposite of that reading.

01:16:57 Michelle

Opposite of that reading and the outcome came out completely different completely 180.

01:17:02 Michelle

And I know.

01:17:03 Michelle

Humans are infallible or fallible. Sorry vocabulary.

01:17:10 Michelle

Humans. Humans are.

01:17:11 Michelle

And so, yeah, I I that that experience started to make me question.

01:17:20 Michelle

The guidance I was looking for was too far outside of myself and I needed to learn how to trust myself again.

01:17:25 Merrily

Yeah.

01:17:29 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:17:30 Michelle

I needed to learn how to cultivate that safety.

01:17:34 Michelle

Within myself.

01:17:36 Michelle

Because I my myself worth and myself esteem was.

01:17:42 Michelle

All over the place. So I felt like I needed to.

01:17:46 Michelle

On those outside of myself, that guidance and I think part of that was going through all of these.

01:17:55 Michelle

Very polarizing spiritual experiences that made me feel like I needed to seek someone outside of myself when I should have sought out my point there because I should have sought her out first.

01:18:06 Michelle

Because she has the PhD and she also has the spiritual experience that clearly.

01:18:11

Mm.

01:18:12 Michelle

Experience. So I think I I I'm learning how to forgive myself for that.

01:18:16 Michelle

Yeah, I'm trying to learn how to see that not as a moral failure.

01:18:20 Michelle

But just as a reflection of society like I, I was going to all these different spiritual stores to try to talk to somebody, to figure out was what was going on inside of me.

01:18:31 Michelle

Didn't even think to look up Psychology Today.

01:18:35 Michelle

Spiritual I didn't.

01:18:37 Michelle

Think that there was going to be someone who's Pagan who was a therapist.

01:18:41 Michelle

I.

01:18:41 Speaker 3

Right.

01:18:41 Michelle

I didn't know that, but but.

01:18:45 Michelle

Listener as a call.

01:18:47 Michelle

In my words, there is somebody out there and and I I I love her so much and I wish I could tell all the witches out there to to go to Doctor Tiff. Doctor Marie.

01:18:49 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:18:59 Michelle

She is now.

01:19:01 Michelle

Retired. So I hope to, when they become that witchy therapist for that person who was once like me and.

01:19:12 Michelle

My therapist did suggest once I got licensed like you now have that experience, if you ever want to lead a group for survivors of Colts, you could do that if you wanted to.

01:19:25 Michelle

Girl, you were in a cult and you survived it.

01:19:28 Michelle

You know this group, they get a lot of.

01:19:31 Michelle

Also, they're aware and that like, oh, people call this call us a sex cult and call us like this and that.

01:19:39 Michelle

But what's the definition of a cult?

01:19:42 Michelle

Manipulation in order to gain members.

01:19:44 Michelle

Don't know.

01:19:46 Merrily

Mm.

01:19:47 Michelle

And I.

01:19:47 Michelle

A lot of the the vocabulary.

01:19:50 Michelle

I remember whenever they were like all those, like the network marketing, the Forex groups and the the thing.

01:19:55 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:19:56 Michelle

Yeah. So I I feel like it's it was, it was a lot.

01:19:59 Michelle

Like similar kind of.

01:20:03 Michelle

Recruiting tactics like like that.

01:20:05

Hmm.

01:20:08 Michelle

But I think there's an issue whenever a lot of your Members are having to pay so much money, but they're also.

01:20:17 Michelle

Financially.

01:20:20 Michelle

Not in the best place like.

01:20:24 Michelle

And I was.

01:20:28 Michelle

It it just feels like a a generational.

01:20:32 Michelle

I don't.

01:20:33 Michelle

I I know it's like a product of the a lot of I can't.

01:20:37 Michelle

I'm also giving a group grace 'cause. I know, like a lot of the things are like a product of the systems that we're living in.

01:20:43 Michelle

Like yes, you want community and you want to cultivate these faces, but also it's like.

01:20:43

Do.

01:20:48 Michelle

That's why I stayed for so long. Because I know you also have, like, a financial responsibility. Like to yourself like.

01:20:55 Merrily

At what cost?

01:20:56 Michelle

Like when is it too much?

01:20:59 Michelle

Is.

01:21:01 Michelle

And like I know you said, like money wasn't the main goal or the main purpose.

01:21:08 Michelle

But.

01:21:10 Michelle

Why?

01:21:13 Michelle

Why are my spirits saying saying opposite?

01:21:17 Michelle

Why is my gut saying the opposite? Yeah.

01:21:22 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:21:27 Speaker 3

Yeah, yeah.

01:21:29 Merrily

Gosh, I don't even know. Trying to think so. One of the things that came to mind.

01:21:35 Merrily

Is the idea of attention.

01:21:38 Speaker 3

I.

01:21:38 Merrily

Think we talked about this too in our previous one of our previous calls.

01:21:41 Merrily

Like.

01:21:42 Merrily

There is something about getting a lot of people's attention on something that you want, right?

01:21:49 Merrily

Say, maybe something in the group that they were trying to accomplish.

01:21:53 Merrily

They were like even just you being there and applying attention on it, like that's a powerful thing.

01:21:58 Merrily

Mm.

01:21:59 Merrily

And so I'm wondering if maybe some of some of that was potentially going on too, where you were maybe having to participate?

01:22:09 Michelle

So two people have mentioned this.

01:22:11 Michelle

They have said they they needed.

01:22:12 Michelle

The.

01:22:14 Michelle

Your energy.

01:22:15 Merrily

Mm.

01:22:16 Michelle

Because some people's gifts. OK, I need to pee again.

01:22:20 Michelle

So sorry.

01:22:26 Speaker 3

Right back.

01:22:28 Speaker 3

We're back.

01:22:30 Merrily

What were you talking about?

01:22:33 Michelle

Yeah. Yeah, just about like.

01:22:36 Merrily

Attention on.

01:22:38 Michelle

Yes, but they needed. Yeah. 'cause I confirmed that they were like two people who, like, had confirmed that with me.

01:22:39 Merrily

Mm.

01:22:49 Michelle

Yeah, they.

01:22:53 Michelle

Something that this reader.

01:23:00 Michelle

Psychic had picked up on some of the members of this.

01:23:06 Michelle

Is that their main gift was vampirism, and that they inherently had no power.

01:23:16 Michelle

Of their own. So they had to rely on.

01:23:20 Michelle

Newer, younger energy being.

01:23:24 Michelle

Involved in the space in order for them to gain their own energy.

01:23:29 Michelle

They gained energy.

01:23:31 Michelle

You from?

01:23:33 Michelle

Multiple people being there, so my therapist said yeah, that's why they recruited you, friend, because both of you are young, right?

01:23:43 Michelle

You are young.

01:23:46 Michelle

And wanting to learn about things and so.

01:23:51 Michelle

You.

01:23:55 Michelle

There.

01:23:56 Michelle

There was just more from those parties to gain from the both of you, yeah.

01:24:03 Michelle

And thing that my therapist had mentioned was I guess I wasn't aware of my own magic or my own energy to where I stepped into the space. It probably.

01:24:19 Michelle

Felt very strong to.

01:24:22 Michelle

And I think that it.

01:24:23 Michelle

Is was a big lesson in self worth for me because I didn't know.

01:24:26 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:24:30 Michelle

I was under estimating my own abilities in my own energy and so another thing that.

01:24:34 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:24:38 Michelle

I learned about.

01:24:39 Michelle

Is a lot of very powerful people.

01:24:42 Michelle

Don't have Instagram pages.

01:24:44 Michelle

A lot of very powerful people.

01:24:48 Michelle

Are.

01:24:50 Merrily

Under the radar kind of thing, under very under the radar.

01:24:53 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:24:55 Michelle

Yeah. And also I've learned a lot of very powerful, influential people.

01:25:01 Michelle

Tap into the darker side of yes, magic.

01:25:07 Michelle

Further congregants.

01:25:09

Mm.

01:25:12 Speaker 3

Oh my gosh.

01:25:12 Michelle

Under the guise of being famous preacher Pastor people.

01:25:17 Merrily

But, but that's such a story. We should, you know, like in America of those like famous preacher Pastor, you know, especially you coming from Texas, there's been quite a few famous.

01:25:29 Merrily

Like pastors from Texas.

01:25:31 Merrily

So that's interesting that you put it in those terms.

01:25:37

Replay.

01:25:38 Michelle

And I I'm.

01:25:40 Michelle

Joel Osteen's Church is is is just a few hop, skip, and jump and step away from where you and.

01:25:50

I don't know.

01:25:50 Michelle

It's something that in the water here.

01:25:50

Replay.

01:25:52 Merrily

Yeah, I think there's something in the water going on there.

01:25:55 Merrily

Oh man, but the way you described them was interesting because.

01:26:01 Merrily

When so, you guys, if you do make a boat appointment with Lane Wilkin, he's gonna tell you all about the ocean, OK?

01:26:10 Merrily

He does an awesome test to see if you are an osmog.

01:26:12

No, no, no.

01:26:14 Merrily

What? Yes, he does a test. He pokes you with a what is it? Stingray Barb to see if you are an ocelot.

01:26:23 Merrily

And I was like, did you test me?

01:26:25 Merrily

I an Oscar.

01:26:25 Merrily

'Cause, I didn't even know what happened. He was.

01:26:27 Michelle

We have been that way.

01:26:29 Merrily

Well anyway, so he tested.

01:26:31 Merrily

He's like, oh, yeah, you're not as long. You're good.

01:26:33 Merrily

I was like, well, what is?

01:26:34 Merrily

What is an as long? So basically what he described it as basically an energy vampire.

01:26:39 Merrily

So.

01:26:40 Merrily

You're you're saying this group was?

01:26:43 Merrily

Sounds like they operate like an energy vampire, like an aswang, like a group of.

01:26:50 Merrily

So that was fascinating.

01:26:54 Speaker 3

Oh man.

01:26:56 Michelle

Let's.

01:26:57 Michelle

Will he do the batok on someone who is?

01:27:01 Merrily

You know, did I ask that question? Let me think.

01:27:04

Oh my.

01:27:05 Merrily

I think he did.

01:27:06 Merrily

Know what?

01:27:06 Merrily

I don't wanna speak out of turn.

01:27:08 Merrily

So this is a good question to ask him.

01:27:10 Merrily

I'm gonna paraphrase Lee.

01:27:12 Michelle

He's been on the next interview.

01:27:12 Merrily

Me.

01:27:15 Merrily

Since I should have, I did already interviewed Lane actually, but I didn't ask him about that.

01:27:20 Merrily

The ask point I do believe.

01:27:22 Merrily

Everybody, you can correct me.

01:27:24 Merrily

Happy to be wrong.

01:27:25 Merrily

I do believe, he said. He has tattooed somebody who wasn't asked what it just might he.

01:27:30 Merrily

Think he has to do like clearing first, like an energy clearing. If I remember correctly.

01:27:35 Merrily

Happy to be corrected though.

01:27:38 Merrily

Yeah. So that's very fascinating. But so kind of the red flags that I heard, you can also correct me too, if I didn't hear them correctly, the sort of the early ones maybe were like you were just, you just felt it.

01:27:51 Merrily

Felt that things were off.

01:27:53 Merrily

And you chose to maybe not pay attention to them.

01:27:56 Merrily

Is that something that?

01:27:57 Merrily

We would advise folks.

01:28:03 Merrily

You're like, Oh yeah.

01:28:04 Michelle

If you have that gut feeling.

01:28:08 Michelle

Mm.

01:28:09 Michelle

Like everyone gets it.

01:28:10 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:28:11 Michelle

When they're in that fight or flight and you end up letting a situation go on for longer.

01:28:18 Michelle

Because, oh, can you hear me?

01:28:20 Merrily

Yeah, I can hear you. OK.

01:28:21 Speaker 3

OK.

01:28:22 Michelle

Sorry, my thing is freezing.

01:28:28 Michelle

If you.

01:28:37 Michelle

OK. Because I feel like a lot of women tend to go through this. If you end situation and you get that feeling in your stomach, but you want to people please by sticking around.

01:28:51 Michelle

A little bit.

01:28:52 Michelle

Take a step.

01:28:57 Michelle

Feel that feel.

01:29:01 Michelle

Where it is coming from?

01:29:06 Speaker 3

Oh no.

01:29:09 Michelle

Frozen, frozen. OK back.

01:29:09 Merrily

I should move security, security. Still, yeah.

01:29:14 Michelle

OK.

01:29:17 Michelle

Yeah, feel that.

01:29:19 Michelle

Take a step.

01:29:19 Michelle

And pause.

01:29:22 Michelle

Definitely pause.

01:29:28 Michelle

And don't try to force.

01:29:34 Michelle

A square peg in a round hole.

01:29:37 Michelle

Do not try to shave it down.

01:29:40 Michelle

Not try to force it in.

01:29:46 Michelle

Just observe the feeling.

01:29:50 Michelle

And.

01:29:56 Michelle

I know some.

01:29:58 Michelle

It's like a lot of from the stories that I've heard from a lot of people when they've been in similar situations, they say like, oh, I kind of had that weird feeling, but I didn't want to **** them off. So I kept going on because it's like that.

01:30:08 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:30:10 Michelle

Like our fawn response?

01:30:13 Speaker 3

None.

01:30:14 Michelle

It's like I don't want this person to hurt me, so I'm I'm going to keep going along in the process.

01:30:20 Speaker 3

Bran.

01:30:25 Michelle

This is.

01:30:26 Michelle

Going to have to be another conversation I have with my therapy.

01:30:30 Merrily

You know like.

01:30:32 Michelle

How do I take a step back from when?

01:30:35 Michelle

Is happening.

01:30:36 Merrily

Yes.

01:30:37 Michelle

Well, first, this is the first of all I was.

01:30:42 Michelle

And then, Oh my gosh, the way my mind, my brain instantly went to like.

01:30:46 Michelle

Self like it.

01:30:48 Michelle

I'm also working through the artist's way right now, so I felt a lot coming on and the blurts are like, whenever like our inner bully comes out.

01:30:55 Speaker 3

Oh yeah.

01:30:56 Michelle

And then like in in response you rewrite it into an affirmation so.

01:31:01 Michelle

My blirt was well, if I had like a higher sense of self worth or higher self esteem then I wouldn't go through that.

01:31:06

Hello.

01:31:09 Michelle

But affirmation means I am healing myself.

01:31:13 Michelle

Talking about this, yes, yeah.

01:31:16 Michelle

I am healing myself worth by by speaking about this and now I know what my boundaries are. Now I know if I don't feel comfortable with.

01:31:27 Michelle

Something financially I should voice it, and I would feel a lot like in my jaw area.

01:31:34 Michelle

Wasn't sure I would need to confirm this again, but I kept feeling.

01:31:39 Michelle

A thread being tightened and pulled it felt like my voice was being taken away from me.

01:31:44 Michelle

Felt like I couldn't speak up.

01:31:49 Michelle

My therapist kept saying forgive yourself.

01:31:51 Michelle

Were being.

01:31:52 Michelle

Manipulated.

01:31:53 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:31:54 Michelle

So forgive yourself for.

01:31:58 Michelle

What you experienced?

01:32:00 Merrily

And yeah, and what a what a great thing.

01:32:03 Merrily

Great thing that you can talk to us about it, you know.

01:32:08 Merrily

And for all intents purposes still be here and healthy.

01:32:11 Merrily

And you know, able to speak about it, which I think is great.

01:32:17 Merrily

Do you also?

01:32:18 Merrily

I I think I heard.

01:32:19 Merrily

So you can correct me if I didn't hear it correctly, but.

01:32:23 Michelle

Do you?

01:32:24 Merrily

It seemed like you were also in touch with your ancestors where they, or at least your ancestors and or spirit guides, were they giving you affirmation of the things you were feeling or?

01:32:36 Michelle

It felt like it was this weird paradox.

01:32:41 Michelle

Was happening.

01:32:42 Michelle

It's it. A lot of it was. Well, you're. You aren't doing enough work with your.

01:32:47 Michelle

So like what are your what are your ancestors? But it felt like in the entire time I was there it it felt like my ancestors were telling me to.

01:32:58

Leave.

01:33:00 Michelle

But also.

01:33:00 Merrily

Interesting.

01:33:00 Michelle

Longer I stayed there. The less I heard from them, the less the more I started feeling disconnected.

01:33:10

From.

01:33:10 Speaker 3

Mm.

01:33:12 Michelle

It was.

01:33:12 Michelle

I felt like I the longer I was there, the more I got out of touch with some of my abilities.

01:33:20 Speaker 3

Right.

01:33:22 Michelle

The things.

01:33:28 Michelle

The energy I started to regain and tap into.

01:33:34 Merrily

When I left.

01:33:37 Michelle

I never knew I had the ability.

01:33:41 Michelle

To transfer like I I don't even know how to describe.

01:33:44 Michelle

Don't even want to call it Reiki, but I.

01:33:46 Michelle

I could feel like the light that I was transferring into into someone else. The the energy.

01:33:53 Michelle

I had.

01:33:53 Michelle

I never had been able to do that before, yeah.

01:34:01 Michelle

And so now that you're saying this, I'm trying to pinpoint like where were other times.

01:34:07 Michelle

When?

01:34:10 Michelle

It almost felt like they took a step back to try to get me to figure it out.

01:34:15 Merrily

Hmm.

01:34:16 Michelle

Like she needs to go.

01:34:17 Michelle

This so she learns right. Yeah, yeah.

01:34:21 Speaker 3

OK.

01:34:22 Michelle

Interesting. That's that's kind of what it's all like.

01:34:27 Speaker 3

Play.

01:34:28 Michelle

And so much of like my relationship with my spirits and ancestors. After that, it was like you don't need to do all this for the theatrics of this.

01:34:34

MMM.

01:34:41 Michelle

You got all of these different things were very theatric.

01:34:46 Michelle

You didn't need to do this. That the third what we wanted you to do was to pay off your damn credit card bill.

01:34:56 Michelle

We wanted you to go to the.

01:34:59 Michelle

Like we wanted you to, like, sit your *** down and focus on this. Like we didn't want you to.

01:35:04 Michelle

Spending so many of your evenings.

01:35:07 Michelle

Like there we wanted you to take care of your energy. That's why your energy was, like, so drained.

01:35:13 Michelle

But then they would blame me for my like, oh, are you still doing this and that?

01:35:16 Michelle

Why your energy's being.

01:35:18 Speaker 3

Oh gosh. Wow.

01:35:23 Michelle

When are they? All they wanted me to do was just to take that whole year last year off, yeah.

01:35:23 Speaker 3

I love it.

01:35:31 Michelle

And.

01:35:33 Michelle

Heal myself in a way that was.

01:35:35 Speaker 3

Mm.

01:35:37

Not.

01:35:37 Michelle

Draining me financially, yeah.

01:35:41 Michelle

Because that's how they made it seem like you can't get all of this if you aren't.

01:35:50 Michelle

Financially invested.

01:35:53 Michelle

And I.

01:35:54 Michelle

Hoping I don't get any.

01:35:58 Michelle

Any pushback from staying at right now?

01:36:01

Yeah.

01:36:01 Michelle

I.

01:36:01 Michelle

Like I know he like everything isn't black and white.

01:36:06 Michelle

Always some kind of Gray area there.

01:36:10 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:36:12 Michelle

And I wanted to like, pay my respects where they needed to be paid. Like there's this person who's gone through this initiation. So I should pay people what they're they're worth.

01:36:24 Michelle

That fear of looking cheap.

01:36:27 Michelle

And I'm like, hey, I am a grad student.

01:36:29 Michelle

Know figuring out life. Right now I am.

01:36:35 Michelle

In so much student debt because of USC.

01:36:41 Michelle

I am paying getting paid less than minimum.

01:36:44 Michelle

Where she at this Funeral Home for all these skimpy hours? I was working every week, almost every weekend.

01:36:54 Michelle

While I was in school like I, that was the time where I think my ancestors were starting to step in.

01:37:01 Merrily

Mm.

01:37:02 Michelle

Where it's like they just were. Like, we're gonna just make you work here.

01:37:06 Michelle

We're we're.

01:37:07 Michelle

Gonna work our way into your isolation, right?

01:37:11 Michelle

Your hermit mode.

01:37:16 Speaker 3

Oh wow.

01:37:17 Merrily

Yeah, gosh, there's such a lot there.

01:37:21 Merrily

So what would you say?

01:37:24 Merrily

Excuse me.

01:37:26 Merrily

So would you say the steps you took to kind of get into a safe place was to take that year away and do the hermit mode?

01:37:38 Michelle

Yes, I.

01:37:41 Michelle

Focus on healing myself financially.

01:37:42 Merrily

Oh yeah, yeah.

01:37:44 Michelle

So that was, yeah, the biggest.

01:37:47 Speaker 3

What?

01:37:48 Michelle

Yeah, really big step. Like we look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, like, that's pretty.

01:37:52 Merrily

Exactly.

01:37:54 Michelle

Important there I was also getting blamed for one of the Members in the Community was saying like.

01:38:01 Michelle

Oh, this spirit is mad at you because you haven't moved out of your parents.

01:38:05 Michelle

What are like the reason why your life is getting into **** is 'cause. You're still involved with that person.

01:38:12 Speaker 3

Oh gosh.

01:38:13 Michelle

But I was so involved with that person and I had, like, built my life back up brick by brick, by.

01:38:20 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:38:22 Michelle

Working a lot of hours like I had no breaks.

01:38:25 Michelle

My only break was like and even I went on vacation and it wasn't really like a break because I had to do so much.

01:38:32 Michelle

I'm not even going to that eldest daughter.

01:38:34 Michelle

I'm glad my mom acknowledges it.

01:38:38 Michelle

When we went to the Philippines and it didn't feel as much of a vacation, it was so we needed to see my grandmother. Both of my grandmothers.

01:38:47 Michelle

Grandmother turned 90 and then my other.

01:38:50 Michelle

She only needed a check up on her after.

01:38:54 Michelle

My lolo passed.

01:38:57 Michelle

So it felt more of.

01:39:00 Michelle

Like a check up rather than.

01:39:02 Michelle

Nice vacation, but yeah, I was non non-stop. non-stop all.

01:39:08 Michelle

I was either in school or at work or doing a lot of things. I left the Funeral Home.

01:39:16 Speaker 3

Mm.

01:39:16 Michelle

And that was hard for me because I I didn't wanna leave. But the universe was saying, like, no, it's time.

01:39:24 Michelle

So I was working a government job for this summer and.

01:39:29 Michelle

Oh my gosh.

01:39:31 Michelle

Everything is so quick and I was like I had like 3 different jobs that.

01:39:36 Michelle

It was like Funeral Home government within, like healthcare issues like community health. And then I transitioned into the hospital.

01:39:41 Merrily

Mm.

01:39:47 Michelle

During the last third of that year.

01:39:49 Speaker 3

OK.

01:39:49 Michelle

So it was all very like, very career.

01:39:54 Michelle

School oriented.

01:39:57 Michelle

And that's that's what my ancestors wanted me to.

01:40:01 Michelle

And I was feeling that feeling that today, like I was feeling my my grandpa with me. And he said this is what I wanted to do.

01:40:01 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:40:10 Michelle

I could just feel.

01:40:12 Michelle

Him. He's like this is. This is what I as I'm saying that right now. I'm like, yeah, this is like what I want to do too.

01:40:21 Michelle

Great. I hear in the community.

01:40:26

Mm.

01:40:27 Michelle

And.

01:40:29 Michelle

It feels like it's not in vain.

01:40:32 Michelle

It feels like when I step into every room I step into.

01:40:40 Michelle

I'm just doing my best to help someone.

01:40:44 Michelle

In their situation.

01:40:45 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:40:48 Michelle

Yeah.

01:40:51 Merrily

Yeah, it sounds like it was a lot of kind of.

01:40:53 Merrily

Care of you?

01:40:55 Merrily

Which is.

01:40:56 Merrily

I think I'm all.

01:40:57 Merrily

I'm all about taking care of yourself.

01:41:02 Michelle

Yeah.

01:41:03 Merrily

But yeah, that's very.

01:41:06 Merrily

I'm glad that I love that. When you reached out to your ancestors or like I just want you to take care of your bills, focus on your like, just regular life, OK?

01:41:18

Yeah.

01:41:21 Michelle

They're like you're doing too much over here.

01:41:24 Michelle

Yes, they needed me to balance that out and.

01:41:30 Michelle

Like, how did my family live their lives?

01:41:34 Michelle

Were of service to the community, yeah.

01:41:40 Michelle

And I got that even whenever I was in.

01:41:44 Michelle

I was getting my eyes checked from the Philippines and she was like, Oh yeah, I remember, like growing up, I would pass by your grandmother.

01:41:52 Michelle

There is.

01:41:53 Michelle

Or you're he's talking to my. My dad has a passport.

01:41:56 Michelle

My grandmother is an optometrist.

01:41:57

Oh.

01:41:59 Michelle

And we're passing by her clinic like every.

01:42:01 Michelle

And so it was always everyone on my dad side was like a business owner of some sort.

01:42:06 Michelle

Always, always launching new things in their.

01:42:14 Michelle

Health care.

01:42:16 Michelle

They're they're very much like that left, right inside. And my mom's side is, like, very much of that right brain side. But still like in whatever they do, it's always like of and. And I think that's also our culture is very of service to others.

01:42:30 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:42:32 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:42:35 Merrily

That's that keeps the whole like well, isn't it? The I heard somebody explaining like the term barangay is from the term belongai I think.

01:42:45 Merrily

Again, everybody can correct me.

01:42:46 Merrily

It's fine, but it's like originally from the term that meant boat because our, you know, we come from a seafaring.

01:42:52 Merrily

People. So then, then everybody. You know, if you're on a boat, everybody has to do, you know, you gotta be assigned something, right?

01:43:00 Merrily

You gotta work as a team.

01:43:04 Merrily

So. So in the Philippines for maybe folks that don't know like in the different communities they have, that's kind of separated as baronga which I think in the US we probably think of them.

01:43:15 Merrily

Like neighborhoods.

01:43:16 Speaker 3

Mm.

01:43:17 Merrily

Like in Seattle, we have all these neighborhoods, so be kind of like your brown guy.

01:43:21 Merrily

So everybody would have like a purpose and know how to know what was going on with each other and take care of each other.

01:43:27 Merrily

'Cause you got to take care of each other when you're on a boat.

01:43:31 Merrily

It's kind of crucial.

01:43:35 Merrily

So yeah, I keep thinking about that as like I think that's kind of a good way forward as like as a people of this earth as something you can share is like we got to treat each other like we're on a boat and that boat kind of somet.

01:43:47 Merrily

Small boat with just our friends and our family, and sometimes it's a bigger boat with.

01:43:52 Merrily

Her neighborhood or city or community so.

01:43:58 Merrily

But yeah, that's really cool that your family was able to participate.

01:44:01 Merrily

In that and you could see that and the impact that they had.

01:44:04 Merrily

Really cool.

01:44:07 Michelle

Yeah.

01:44:10 Michelle

I'm just reflecting on like how much of an impact?

01:44:15 Michelle

Just seeing how much of an impact they had and.

01:44:20 Michelle

I know. I guess sometimes it feels like it can be like a heavyweight.

01:44:25 Michelle

Just even people seeing my last name, like I'll meet people here, like in the diaspora. I'll meet people here.

01:44:31 Michelle

Oh my gosh, your last name.

01:44:32 Michelle

You.

01:44:33 Michelle

Like, oh, like Jenny said.

01:44:34 Michelle

Was like, yeah, she's actually my aunt.

01:44:37 Michelle

Oh wow, this is awesome.

01:44:38 Michelle

You though and.

01:44:41 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:44:44 Michelle

And they're like influencer level like.

01:44:48 Merrily

Yeah.

01:44:49 Michelle

The street in the Philippines like.

01:44:58 Michelle

Yeah.

01:45:00 Michelle

I just had a moment to think about.

01:45:03 Michelle

But and Paul's like.

01:45:05 Michelle

Yeah, that's that's why those are with my family.

01:45:09 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:45:09 Michelle

But I feel like I don't.

01:45:10 Michelle

I don't have the ****** baby status that Olivia Rodrigo has.

01:45:16 Merrily

Like sometimes I kind of wish.

01:45:17 Merrily

Had that moment.

01:45:18 Michelle

I like.

01:45:20 Michelle

Yeah, I.

01:45:23 Michelle

Think about.

01:45:24 Michelle

Jon Brennas his daughter. Like, yeah, being laid salongas.

01:45:29 Michelle

I'm just like, yeah, I'm not like that level status, but I feel like.

01:45:34 Speaker 3

I am.

01:45:34 Speaker 3

I.

01:45:37 Michelle

Fortunate but.

01:45:41 Michelle

I just have a family that comes from very humble beginnings and I like, I don't know why. I cringe saying that because it feels like I feel like a lot of people say that, but it's like.

01:45:56 Michelle

It's true. My mother was raised in very serious, serious poverty.

01:46:03

Mm.

01:46:04 Michelle

And so, so much so I understand, like even interacting with the people who I interacted with, I see in retrospect, I understand that they have their own traumas. Yeah, that.

01:46:20 Michelle

Have shaped them into like.

01:46:22 Michelle

They operate certain things.

01:46:24 Merrily

Mm.

01:46:24 Michelle

So I don't want to shame them for that because I know there's so many things that they're doing that are are out of a mode of survival, right?

01:46:34 Michelle

'Cause, there's a lot of 'cause even with, like, some Filipinos I know. There's like a like the hustler mentality, right?

01:46:42 Michelle

And so that.

01:46:43 Michelle

Also kind of if if unchecked it can get kind of like into scammer territory so I.

01:46:48

Yeah.

01:46:49 Michelle

I get.

01:46:50 Michelle

I I understand it, but I.

01:46:52 Michelle

Raised with parents who very much.

01:46:56 Michelle

Like, that's not the way we do things, right?

01:47:01 Michelle

For every teenager who went through a kleptomanic case.

01:47:10 Michelle

Still, when do not steal from small businesses?

01:47:15 Michelle

We don't.

01:47:16 Michelle

We don't do that. Yeah.

01:47:19 Michelle

No matter how hard it.

01:47:22 Michelle

But I know in like the worst kinds of circumstances, like people can be driven.

01:47:26 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:47:27

Dude.

01:47:29 Michelle

2 extremes.

01:47:30

Mm.

01:47:34 Merrily

Yeah, I do feel like, you know, you saying that your family came from humble beginnings like, I know, you know, I know where that's coming from.

01:47:44 Merrily

And especially in the Philippines, you kind of you know you can be exposed to kind of different layers of.

01:47:50 Merrily

Of wealth and.

01:47:52 Merrily

So you kind of know.

01:47:54 Merrily

Like you know, when we went to Leyte and visited my mom's family in the Philippines, you see, like beautiful, like Spanish style homes right next to like, little hubbles.

01:48:07 Merrily

You know, like right next to each other.

01:48:09 Merrily

And so you're kind of like that is a wealth disparity, but we have that here too in the states.

01:48:14 Merrily

Just isn't.

01:48:15 Merrily

Maybe quite. You know, as obvious I guess.

01:48:21 Merrily

Umm.

01:48:22 Merrily

But yeah, sometimes. Yeah, I think in the states when you you hear somebody saying, oh, yeah, I was just a humble, you know, I came from like a, you know, a diamond family.

01:48:32 Merrily

I was just a humble guy with a backpack that went to college.

01:48:36 Merrily

That freaking story that I was.

01:48:38 Merrily

In a bar.

01:48:39 Merrily

Yeah, I.

01:48:41 Merrily

I I heard I was in the tech like tech startup world.

01:48:43 Merrily

Heard that story so many damn times.

01:48:45 Merrily

Like I wanted to vomit.

01:48:46 Merrily

I'm like, shut up and it was always some white person telling me.

01:48:52 Merrily

I was like you and your backpack. Whatever.

01:48:58 Michelle

Yeah. I grew up in a small town.

01:49:00 Merrily

Yes, I'm like it's.

01:49:03 Michelle

Like yeah, I had to drive through a farm to get to my high school, too.

01:49:09 Merrily

Exactly.

01:49:11 Michelle

But I'm.

01:49:12 Speaker 3

Oh my gosh.

01:49:13 Michelle

I mean, I'm. I'm I'm. I'm fortunate 'cause. I I I know like my upbringing is not.

01:49:21 Michelle

Like my.

01:49:22 Michelle

Like my mother fought her way out of.

01:49:25 Michelle

So, like we had didn't have to go hungry. Yeah, but.

01:49:31 Michelle

Yeah, there, I, I I'm still feeling that there's so much of that survival that came from that that I'm I'm seeing like a lot of those patterns like work their way like through me right now.

01:49:44 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:49:46 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:49:51 Michelle

We're learning. We're growing, we're covering.

01:49:52 Merrily

That's that's what we're.

01:49:54 Merrily

We're the, you know, the the next generation that is living on the earth.

01:49:59 Merrily

We get to figure that part out.

01:50:03 Merrily

But luckily we have the assistance of our ancestors and our family to help us through that.

01:50:09

That's.

01:50:09

Great.

01:50:11 Merrily

Well, gosh, we man, we covered so many subjects. I'm impressed.

01:50:18 Merrily

But are there? We can kind of wrap it I think.

01:50:21

Yeah.

01:50:23 Merrily

But were there any sort of, you know you are on on the Instagram is where I found you?

01:50:29 Merrily

Are the Filipina bruha?

01:50:32 Merrily

Are there any projects or events coming up that you wanted to tell us about?

01:50:37 Michelle

Yes, so I have.

01:50:40 Michelle

A. What? What? She called a giveaway.

01:50:44 Michelle

Just hope giveaway today.

01:50:45 Michelle

I'm not sure when this episode is going to be posted, but hopefully you have.

01:50:50 Merrily

Be having more giveaways soon. OK, I can tell you if you wanna tell people about the giveaway while I look at my friendship.

01:50:54 Speaker 3

OK.

01:51:02 Michelle

Yes. So I am giving away.

01:51:07 Michelle

A free physical copy of.

01:51:12 Michelle

A really cute it's now sold out planner by.

01:51:17 Michelle

Ballot by Valentina Voight and she releases planner like I think, like 2-2 years ago. It's a new design and so it's.

01:51:25 Michelle

Sold out.

01:51:27 Michelle

And it's super cute, super.

01:51:29 Michelle

So I wanted people to go into like the new lunar year, the new Aquarius on the aquarium.

01:51:34 Michelle

Wanted them to go out in style. Start this year in style.

01:51:38 Michelle

So why not do it with cute planner?

01:51:39 Speaker 3

Yeah.

01:51:40 Michelle

And I also in what's been aiding my creative recovery in this year and what has kick started like, so has been the basis.

01:51:50 Michelle

Of all of this, of the Philippine how she started was.

01:51:56 Merrily

Going through the.

01:51:56 Michelle

Artist's way through my first living in LA and coming back here and like restarting it for like a fifth time and so.

01:52:07 Michelle

I feel something that I also also mentioned in my post was I I wasn't able to show up for my community until I showed up for myself.

01:52:19 Michelle

This is a way for me to show up for myself.

01:52:21 Michelle

Was working through all the exercises in that book.

01:52:26 Michelle

And.

01:52:29 Michelle

So.

01:52:29 Michelle

No, those are the mostly.

01:52:32 Michelle

That I'm offering in my giveaway and so that will close.

01:52:37 Michelle

In on February 8th.

01:52:39 Merrily

Oh, OK.

01:52:40 Merrily

Well, this episode will come out on the February 12th.

01:52:49 Michelle

Well, you know what?

01:52:50 Michelle

Let me look at my.

01:52:53 Michelle

Other lucky listeners.

01:52:59 Merrily

Exactly.

01:52:59 Michelle

Maybe I shall adjust her to clothes.

01:53:05 Merrily

Oh man, that's.

01:53:07 Michelle

Valentine's Day.

01:53:09 Merrily

Hey, I mean, who doesn't like Valentine's Day?

01:53:12 Merrily

But it's yeah.

01:53:14

You know what?

01:53:16 Michelle

What I'm thinking, who, for whoever listens to this all the way through and hears this for anyone who mentions the secret code word for anyone who mentions the secret code word.

01:53:30 Michelle

What's your secret code word?

01:53:36 Michelle

I'm sitting.

01:53:38 Michelle

For anyone who mentions.

01:53:41 Michelle

From this talk that they will get.

01:53:45 Michelle

A special something something from me to be like.

01:53:48 Speaker 3

That was big.

01:53:49 Speaker 3

All right.

01:53:51 Merrily

To be to be this is gonna be a surprise, ya?

01:53:51 Merrily

You.

01:53:53 Michelle

It's just a time to see through it.

01:53:56 Merrily

She doesn't like a surprise, so she.

01:53:59 Merrily

Y'all listening.

01:54:02 Merrily

I will leave all of Michelle's contact stuff in the show notes as usual, but you can also reach out to her on. I mean, I found her on Instagram, the Filipino brouha.

01:54:15 Merrily

But yeah is there.

01:54:17 Merrily

So kind of what we leave people with is the words of wisdom. Even though you shared so much with us.

01:54:22 Merrily

Is there anything that you would like to leave us with today?

01:54:29 Michelle

Remember your breasts?

01:54:33 Michelle

Always come back to your breath.

01:54:39 Michelle

And.

01:54:45 Michelle

Forgive yourself.

01:54:49 Merrily

Those are very good words of wisdom. I love that.

01:54:54 Merrily

Both kind of hard sometimes, but yeah, definitely need to remember.

01:54:59 Michelle

Very, very hard.

01:55:06 Michelle

As I'm learning how to forgive myself for whoever's listening, and I'm hoping that.

01:55:09 Merrily

Mm.

01:55:14 Michelle

I'll be more comfortable in sharing more of my story and just more stories.

01:55:22 Michelle

Through my platform.

01:55:23 Michelle

And so I'm hoping that through me sharing all of my stories, I'm I'm hoping that it can help others go back to that self forgiveness.

01:55:36 Merrily

Beautifully.

01:55:37 Merrily

I love it.

01:55:39 Merrily

Oh, thank you so much, Michelle.

01:55:40 Merrily

So glad we got connected.

01:55:42 Merrily

I hope we stay connected. 'cause, you're awesome.

01:55:45 Merrily

And yeah, everybody follow what Michelle's doing.

01:55:49 Merrily

It's pretty amazing.

01:55:52 Merrily

To learn more about the Casual Temple podcast, please visit our website casualtemple com where you can listen to past episodes and learn more about me and my psychic reading, energy healing and spiritual guidance services at Celestial Ring Guide.

01:56:05 Merrily

You can also sign up for the mailing list and win a free a reading and healing from me.

01:56:09 Merrily

Name stays in until you win.

01:56:11 Merrily

Do check out our other episodes of Casual Temple podcast on Your Preferred podcast app, and thank you so much for listening.

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EPISODE 48 - Michelle De Belen

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